WMU Wiccans Burn Wooden P.J. Fleck to Secure Cotton Bowl Win
“I don’t usually condone comradery because it gives my family a false sense that I enjoy the company of others,” Wiccan Valeria Ortega tells The Black Sheep after she was asked if her family was aware of the plans to light a wooden sculpture of P.J. Fleck on fire.
An unconventional group of students have bonded over a satanic ritual for a good cause: a lifetime of Bronco victories. Sucking the souls of every team in the MAC Conference hasn’t been an easy task, Ortega tells us.
Plans are set for the group to ignite a 13-foot sculpture of P.J. Fleck holding flaming oars at the next full moon. “It will be in a perfect position to ask for another WMU football victory. The weather will be just right to continue our ritual of streaking through campus behind a cardboard cutout of a boat,” says Blade Demon, another member of the WMU Wiccan Party.
The group was inspired by P.J. Fleck’s charisma and pregame speeches to the team. “We were behind every Bronco victory, 13-0 is no easy task when you have to make sure every pregame ritual is done on time, and done right!” claims Ortega.
Rituals each week include streaking across campus in a cardboard boat, ding-dong ditching every calculus professor at WMU, burning actual Bronco poop on the W outside of Waldo Library, and howling at the moon each night leading up to a game.
“At this week’s burning we will also add a new ritual, the melting of all Wisconsin cheeses found at the Meijer on Stadium Drive.” states Blue. Members of the group have been encouraged to bring their own bread and smoked meats to enjoy the Wisconsin delicacy.
Saturday, December 10th is going to be a big night for the group. 10 hours of woodwork have gone into the immaculate sculpture of WMU’s head coach. “The field will be empty as the team gets ready for the Cotton Bowl, we plan on about 15 members to join us for this sorcery circle” says Brian Blue.
An empty stadium and a 300-pound sculpture will be going head to head to call upon the great college football gods. WMU is encouraging students to stay clear of Waldo Stadium Saturday night after the ritual burning of P.J. Fleck.