Are you tired of going to parties and having sex with a random person in a random bedroom in some random house? Sick of waking up with dry, crusty vomit on your shirt/hair/parts of your body you’d rather not mention? If so, you’re probably under 21 and can’t drink at bars. We’re not saying that none of this awful shit will happen to you when you go to bars, but the dim lighting, the sounds of pool cues being chalked, and The Foo Fighters constantly being played in the background sounds like a major improvement. Here are some tips for you to reach that previously unreachable nirvana.
10.) Distract the bouncer:
Ask the bouncer a head scratching existential question. He (or she, let’s not be sexist here) will be so preoccupied with your philosophical pondering that they won’t even notice you slip past them into tequila heaven. Maybe bring up the concept of hair. Like, when you think about it, what is hair? It can be long, short, spikey, thin, thick, dark, light, or red. You can braid it or put it in a bun. Seriously, what the fuck is this shit?
9.) Get a friend to sit on your shoulders while wearing an oversized trench coat and mustache:
Does this really require further explaining? You should probably stay in and watch more cartoons if it does.
8.) Roll up in a wheelchair:
If you have no soul, then this is a perfect one for you! Wheelchairs are the ultimate guilt trip machines and keep people from asking too many questions. You could even set a port-a-potty on fire and get away with it… if you wanted.
7.) Challenge the bouncer to a drink off, with your admission on the line:
This one is flawless plan! Even if they drink you under the table you still got into the bar! It’s a win-win! Except for your liver. But no college student really gives a shit about that organ anyways.
A few Benjamins can go a long way, but if you’re an average college student, your wallet is probably filled with more tears than it is crisply folded green presidents. If so, get creative and implement the barter system! Try offering them hilarious jokes in exchange for entry. Remember though—the first one is free.
5.) Wear Groucho glasses:
You know those hipster glasses with a giant ugly nose and thin moustache attached to it? The bouncer won’t even recognize you as you sneak past him. But even if he does, the moustache will produce a middle aged, pedophilia vibe, and he’ll just let you go.
4.) Benjamin Button that shit:
Just tell everyone you age backwards. If you get questioned, start complaining about how the damn youths these days have no respect for their elders, talk about your time in the war, and then mention where you were when Marylyn Monroe died. Tell him you don’t know what length of trouser is cool anymore. If you don’t convince him, your meandering plot will at least bore him to sleep.
3.) Present a doctor’s note:
Show that stupid bouncer a doctor’s note prescribing three gin and tonics per day before bed. What’s the bouncer going to say, no? What the hell does he know? Is he a doctor? Then what’s a doctor doing in dark and dingy hole in the wall bar? Some doctor you are!
2.) Punch the bouncer in the face:
Really, not all bouncers are like the steroid induced juggernauts you see on television and film. There’s bound to be some weak ones you can beat the shit out of. Hell, you don’t even have to be stronger than them, just find one that drinks/does drugs on the job. They won’t even know what hit them… literally.
1.) Present a note from your mom:
Remember in elementary school when all it took was a simple eight or so words written in blue ink on a piece of paper to get out of your most hated class? Showing the bouncer a note from your mom will let him know you have your parents’ permission to enter and will help put their mind at ease, knowing they made the right choice in giving you access to the “real” adult world.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!