6 Reasons to Sue UW-Madison

author-pic at UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN  

UW may seem great, but it’s actually a dirty, dirty crook that needs to be put in its place by a different dirty, dirty crook: a lawyer.

6.) Damages for your frostbitten left foot:

You decided to go to a school in the Midwest where classes don’t get cancelled for anything less than a temperature of -30. It may look great in all those brochures that include those beautiful pictures of campus in the summer, but now you spent a winter here and have lost all feeling in your left foot due to exposure. The weather may not be the fault of the university, but they should at least cancel class, or construct an environment dome over the entire campus that maintains its own individual climate. Whichever.

5.) Lying to you about Liberal Arts Degrees:

“It’s UW-Madison. It’s the best school for anything. You can do anything with an English degree!” Tell that to the dying job market featuring an overabundance of young adults with an undergraduate degree. You can also tell it to your lawyer, cause your ass is getting sued.

4.) Bascom Hill. Just, all of it:

It’s iconic, whatever, that’s not enough of a reason to force the cruel and sadistic act of walking up one of the steepest and longest hills in the tristate area (don’t bother fact-checking, you know we’re lying) on 40,000 students each day, especially in the harsh Wisconsin winters that threaten to instill your left foot with frostbite. Better yet, what’s there waiting for you at the top of said Demon Hill? A relic of a building filled with rickety wooden floors from the 50s and rustic faucets that give cold and warm water from their own individual nozzles. What if you want lukewarm water, you ask? Fuck off.

3.) Making you pay segregated fees:

How dare they make you pay roughly 600 dollars a semester for segregated fees. What makes them think you need a doctor available on campus Monday-Friday to test you for STDs, perform pap smears, and generally oversee your wellbeing? They expect you to pay for the fanciful student unions that contain some of your favorite study spots? Think again you damn university elites. You honestly think you can pawn off a four-month long bus pass on your unsuspecting students for less than the price of a month-long buss pass and call yourself ethically righteous? You can’t make the entire student body pay 14 dollars a semester so students with children have someone to watch their kids while they go to class. Nobody told them to have kids, that’s their mistake! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!

2.) For hiring that awful SOAR advisor who gave you advice that REALLY screwed you sideways:

Anyone listen to their SOAR advisor’s advice at orientation? Anyone else’s futures get fucked two ways from Saturday? Sue!

1.) For brainwashing you with the liberal agenda:

Using government funds to help citizens? Reproductive rights? Bill Clinton?!?! The liberal agenda is highly absurd, and the very fact that federal funds can be used to create cultish campuses that specialize in the indoctrination of our vulnerable youth is just not okay. They can’t make you think what they want you to think! If they think they can give you the option to pay tuition fees to take an environmental law exam where you are forced to discuss climate change without getting sued, they’re in for a shock. Screw you Lena Dunham!

Find your lawyers and get on it, people. The law school has free attorney’s that are paid through those disgusting segregated fees you pay. Try that if you can’t find another option!

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…