6 Signs You Aren’t Graduating From UW This Semester

author-pic at UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN  

It’s almost the end of the spring semester here at the University of Wisconsin, which means that there’s one thing that’s on every senior’s mind: graduation. This is it! The home stretch. The culmination of the hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars that you’ve poured into your education for a framed piece of paper and a pat on the back. If college is like a marathon, then graduation would be crossing the finish line and getting a medal.

However, at every race there’s a few people that stumble and fall right before the finish. There are always a few seniors that catch such a severe case of senioritis that they have to take an extra semester or even *gasp* summer classes. This advanced senioritis doesn’t come without warning. Here are some signs that you’re not going to make the cut for graduation this semester.

6.) You’ve skipped so many classes you forget which ones you’re enrolled in this semester:

Everyone skips class occasionally. Nobody can be expected to show up to every single discussion section. And that lecture that you have at the very top of Bascom on Monday mornings? Forget about it. But you should show up occasionally. If you can’t pick your TA out of a police lineup, you’re probably failing your attendance grade.

5.) You keep dodging phone calls from your parents in case they bring up graduation:

Deep down everybody knows who graduation is for: the parents. The graduating seniors couldn’t care less about being packed into Camp Randall like a graduating class of sardines. Parents are the ones that want to see you get that diploma so you can get out of college as fast as possible and start making money for yourself. So if they think there’s even the slightest chance that they might have to send you back for another semester because you slacked off? Oh boy, you better hide.

4.) Your email hasn’t been bombarded yet by graduation apparel companies:

This is the time of year where companies that make graduation apparel make all their money. So as soon as they get that mailing list of graduating seniors from UW officials, it’s like there’s blood in the water. Do you want a cap and gown? How about a class ring with the UW logo? Or personalized red and white stationery? Or how about underwear with Bucky’s face on the crotch? Trust us, if you’re going to be graduating, those companies will know about it even before you do.

3.) You’ve been praying at the shrine of Abraham Lincoln to save your GPA:

There’s a point where all of the studying in the world won’t be able to cram a whole semester’s worth of material into your brain in one weekend. When you’ve reached that point, it’s time to look to a higher power than yourself for salvation. We’re talking about Abe, the guardian statue deity of Bascom Hill. He has watched over students for a century, dispensing knowledge and wisdom to a select few. Pray that Abe has mercy upon you. He may be your last hope.

2.) You realize that extra credit can’t raise your grade by 20%:

We’re sure there’s no reason to worry about your grades, but thankfully there are some things to do for extra credit. Maybe you can boost your grade…one or two percent. That’s not going to cut it. Or maybe a way you could save your semester would be donating a kidney to Becky Blank?

1.) You’ve considered looking for a career that doesn’t require a college degree:

Okay, maybe you’re thinking about this the wrong way. After all, grades are just an arbitrary ranking system created by society. Who needs a degree when you can become an artist? Or a lumberjack? Or a coal miner? Or a fry cook at QQ’s? Or… maybe just taking a few more summer classes might not be that bad.

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…