6 Things You Don’t Know About the New Campus Carry Bill

author-pic at UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN  

If you have ever wondered: “Why doesn’t the most impulsive, alcoholic, stressed and irresponsible demographic in the world have the right to carry weapons,” you’re in luck! Somebody else agrees and this lovely gentleman’s name is Jesse Kremer. Jesse just wants what’s best for the State of Wisconsin! Voted “Most likely to incite dildo centered protests” in high school, Representative Kremer doesn’t intend on letting his former classmates down – this January he plans to introduce legislation to allow concealed carry in campus buildings (including dorms and Camp Randall). But what else does this bill include?

6.) A clause in the Bill will require all students to have some type of shoulder-fired missile on hand at all times:

Students may choose between the recoilless guns or the rocket propelled grenade versions. Failure to comply with the mandatory armament will be seen as a direct threat to the Second Amendment and is punishable by up to 7 years in (privately owned and operated for-profit) prison.

5.) Students on campus plan to protest the bill by holding protests with dildoes in order to signify the ridiculousness of the bill:

When notified, Governor Walker looked notably distressed and reportedly ran home to check his stash, thankfully all 500 of the Governor’s butt plugs remained in place.

4.) This Bill would definitely put a stop to any of that freaky clown business going on at other schools:

Wait, maybe we should consider this thing…

3.) All campus markets and cafeterias will be required to sell guns and ammo, available for purchase by Wiscard:

They’ll be required to wipe mold on the packages so they fit in with the rest of…everything.

2.) Who needs Safe Walk? Now we have “Take One More Fucking Step And I Fucking Swear I Will Blow Your Fucking Brains Out” Walk:

The university is going to save SO MUCH implementing this new plan to help Badgers get home safe and sound.

1.) In the winter, on those -30 degree days, we can be warmed by the barrel of our recently fired assault rifles:

Just fire em’ into the sky and that barrel will keep you nice and toasty. It’s way easier than those annoying hand warmers you always lose. 

It may just be a big mix up, it may actually be the Campus Carrie Bill. This bill would allow Carrie Underwood on campus whenever she wants! Who wouldn’t want that? Damn liberal media trying to keep the student body away from their music.