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6 Things The Class of 2021 Will Never Know about UW

With time comes change, and with new incoming classes comes a new-and-improved (or so they say) UW. This is a list of things that UW’s incoming freshmen don’t know jack-squat about.

6.) The pedestrian bridge across University Ave:
An extra bridge may seem like nothing to the untrained Badger. But this bridge allowed one to avoid crossing University Ave after finally freeing thyself from the maddening maze of Humanities and or falling/struggling down Mt. Bascom. You pathetic Lakeshore souls longing for a lifeline in your quest from Kronshage Hall to Vilas, are shit out of luck.

5.) How “low” tuition used to be for out-of-staters:
That’s right, a few years back, Badgers way the hell away from home got beaten over the head just a little bit less than they do now by their tuition payments (nearly $10,000 less). Extra emphasis on the “little bit” since the cost of college nowadays (as compared to when your granddad sold a goat to pay for his math class) is still enough to scare you into a crumpled, terrified mess of a human. Who’s to thank for the increased cost? Well either Scott Walker or the UW System gets that card and fruit basket.

4.) Before the Hub or the James:
In the Land Before Time of these freshmen’s existence, there were no towering monstrosities along State Street. Well, there were, but they weren’t these palaces that make you feel shitty in your sweaty hovel of a house that is an entire quest away from the bars. Seriously, hot tubs on the roof and Amazon packages actually delivered to your door rather than left outside just asking to be copped? We thought this was an actual college campus, not some tech-company’s colossal “campus.” Guess all we have to thank are those trust-funders and motherfuckin’ Epic.

3.) The SERF:
The South East Recreational Facility, or SERF as it is reverently referred to, was the crown jewel of the Southeast dorms. Want to casually work out or shoot around? There was plenty of room for you. Want to get your bikini bod, gameday bod, ice-skating bod, spring fever bod, finals bod, Groundhog Day bod, ready? This was the place to do so, alongside the legions of others struggling to stay committed to the same goal. Want to relive the glory days of high school when you were “this close” to winning state or re-assert the “demigod” you were? Unfortunately, there was room for you too. Oh and there was a swimming pool.

2.) A Memorial Union free from the perpetual state of renovation:
There was a time when a beautiful lake-view didn’t need to be improved or changed. Flat and simple. We didn’t need trendy dining options, or a modern walk-way directly adjacent to the beautiful view. Rather, the fucking lake was perfect just by itself, imagine that…

1.) Melvin Gordon and Frank Kaminsky:
Granted, freshmen may know them as Melvin Gordon and that one tall Wisconsin guy on whatever team he’s on now. But to us, especially current seniors, they were MELVIN MOTHERFUCKING GORDON and FRANK THE TANK. They were gods who graced us with their presence for 3 and 4 years, respectively. Their performances floored us. We pledged to name our children after them. They made us believe that there was a god, and he had birthed these men to bring honor to Badgers near and far. They rewarded us with accolades and moments that have cemented their place in Wisconsin lore. Although the ultimate prizes eluded the both of them, they will never cease to be outstanding examples of what happens when the universe rewards our athletic program rather than fucking us over for the millionth time.

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