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7 Ways to Mask Your Elitism Like UW-Madison

The university’s new and enforced meal plan has certainly caused backlash from students, causing them to backpedal and sort of not really make any actual changes. Their latest stunt is no exception: Realizing that the tier names of “Bronze, Silver and Gold,” from cheapest to most expensive seemed like they were giving an award to the students who could afford the most, they changed them to Tier 1, Tier 2 and Tier 3.

Still, the prices and the benefits stayed the same, and “Tier 3” kids still get $200 bonus dining dollars, unlimited free fountain drinks, and 10 free Bean & Creamery beverages a semester. Meanwhile, anyone who can’t afford to cough up $1400… are still forced to do so. So, nothing changed. Nice.

If you’re also an elite and would like to try and cover it up really poorly, here are a few tips you can learn from the best!

7.) Start by telling everyone you’re broke:
If a low-income peer confides in you that they don’t have much money, the best thing to do is confess that you, too, are “broke.” Even after you see them struggling day after day still remind that friend that you are for realz both in the same boat. You don’t want them to know your parents buy your organic groceries while they sell plasma twice a week for their utility bill.

6.) Pregame at a non-downtown bar:
Nothing says elite like solely hammering down $9 drinks at the KK or Whiskey Jacks, so slum it somewhere else first. Buckingham’s or Sconnie offer their rail deals and $1 mystery shots, so you can still overpay for alcohol, just not to an insane degree. And as long as you make an appearance in the lower crowd, they might start accepting you as one of their own.

5.) Brew your own coffee:
No matter where you live on campus there’s always a convenient coffee shop you can stop by on your way to class and order up some American-sized espresso drink that costs just as much as a bag of coffee grounds. But why not throw everyone in your 11 a.m. discussion for a loop and show up with some home-brewed Folgers in a reusable to-go cup instead? No one will suspect you are sitting on a cushion of money.

4.) Share a political article to your Facebook:
Social media is a big part of a person’s identity these days. So, if you’re wondering why none of your friends liked your pics from your winter break trip to Cabo, it’s probably because you need an anti-elite transformation. Share an article on how Trump wants to replace food stamps with a box full of carefully-picked canned goods, and caption it with “someone needs to start looking out for us little people #relatable.”

3.) Wear the same pair of pants for a week:
Do you use your same black pair of leggings for pajamas, working out, and going out? Do you avoid doing laundry because your apartment charges you $1.50 in quarters for each machine and usually doesn’t get the job done still? No? Well start pretending, or others will begin to notice you own seven pairs of athleisure pants that cost $80 each that are meant to look like sweatpants.

2.) Tell people UW-Madison is not elite:
You want to come off as someone that speaks for all people, right? Even if you grew up thinking public school was just a “backup plan.” So, when someone accuses anyone at UW of being elitist assholes, tell them they should just look at another school like Tulane or Vanderbilt. If people think you go to a non-elite school, they’ll think you’re also non-elite by association.

1.) Tell everyone you’re acting elite because you’re actually not:
So all these other little tips didn’t help and people are still catching on to you? That’s okay! Just take another play out of UW’s book and tell everyone that you’re acting too upper-class because you don’t want anyone to know you’re in the weeds. Then, you can get away with anything– even forcing your friends to pay $1400 they don’t have.

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