Welcome to college, freshmen! How exciting, being in a new city at a new institution with four years ahead of you full of infinite possibilities. And, also, full of terrible revelations about the realities of college life. Here are some hellish things to expect from your college career and, as the study guides your professors will hand out before exams, this list is not exhaustive. Like, at all.
8.) Febreeze doesn’t cover-up a vomit soaked futon:
Unfortunately it only takes one asshole from down the hall to ruin your brand new futon. Yeah, you could wash the cover. And yeah, you could use carpet cleaner, but that sour tequila infused vomit smell will never go away completely. So, if you ever want to bring a girl back to your room without her leaving in disgust and telling every other girl on campus how gross you are—here’s a hint: dorm parties are great, when they’re in your neighbor’s room.
7.) After Welcome Week, you won’t be invited to parties if you have a penis:
Wooh, it’s welcome week! Welcome to UW. Booze all around, let’s party! Hello, it’s September 9th… who do you know here? Oh, what’s that? You have a vagina? Come on in!
6.) The plethora of dining hall options all taste the same after 3 weeks:
Gordon’s is awesome: a pasta station, a Mexican station, sandwiches, burgers, waffles, and a salad bar? Whatever you’re in the mood for they have, as long as you’re in the mood for salt. Recently, in a blind taste test, students said they were amazed by the tasty nachos… or was it pizza? Fried Chicken?
5.) Drunken microwave popcorn WILL turn into 1,000 kids standing outside at 2 a.m.:
Nothing like a fire alarm in the dead of winter to ruin a nice pair of slippers and make you feel like hell the next day. A huge middle finger to the idiot whose application somehow slipped out of the trash and into the accepted pile. Narcissism should be alive and well when it comes to the dumb-fuck that will inevitably make you freeze your ass off from 2 to 2:30 a.m. on February 3rd. Mark your calendar now.
4.) The 80 is always full by the time it stops at Witte:
Running late for econ? No worries, the 80 stops right at your res hall door and drops you at Bascom Hall within minutes. Unless of course it’s raining or snowing, or a bit windy, or sunny, or an 8:50 lecture— then you’re screwed. The 80 is packed-sardine-tight and your diaper rash is flaring after you jogged up Bascom Hill only to slowly die of boredom.
3.) There are no seats reserved in the back of lecture if you’re late:
Everyone in the class actually got together and decided to get there 10 minutes early and take up all the back and aisle seats just to spite you. Just slowly make your way to the front of the room and be thankful the room entrance is in back at least.
2.) Your TA doesn’t have as much to say on your final grade as you thought:
Low-cut tops all semester, one-on-one “study sessions,” and still only a D? What is this world coming to!? Turns out TA’s are just graduate students getting paid to be a professor’s busy-work bitch. Next time go after the one with the tenure, sweetheart.
1.) 3 perfect semesters are needed to raise your GPA after one terrible one:
Finding the balance between school and social life can be difficult for your first semester, but you better find it soon because no one cares if you’re struggling to finish a chem 109 report while pledging a sorority and looking for a part time job. Especially your professors; they have 600 other students to deal with and don’t mind flunking a few to lighten the load.
Just remember to take it one day at a time and we’ll get through freshmen year together. With lots and lots of study breaks, courtesy of The Black Sheep.