A Freshman’s Guide to Staying Sober at Wisconsin

author-pic at UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN  

You’re about to commit the ultimate Badger sin: NOT getting drunk every single night. But don’t worry rebel, you’re not alone. Whether you just want to give your liver a break or you’re sober for other reasons, it’s hard to find people who don’t drink much at the newly-minted 3rd biggest party school in the country. Here are a few ways to get the most out of your college experience, sans alcohol.

Scenario: A fellow Badger asks you to take a shot.
What to do: Thankfully UW parties are excessively loud. When you’re asked to take a shot, pretend that you misheard and say, “OH MY GOD! SOMEONE GOT SHOT!?” Then, proceed to act in a panic and run to Sellery to “find the police.” (Pro Tip: police are always in Sellery). No shots for you, you’re welcome.

Scenario: A concerned Badger notices you don’t have a drink in your hand.
What to do: Slap the blue Solo cup (because red Solo cups aren’t allowed in some dorms *cough* Lakeshore) out of their hand and tell them that they don’t have a drink either.

Scenario: A friendly Badger invites you to play a drinking game.
What to do: Say yes, then knock over every single cup on the table and do the opposite of what everyone tells you. It’s a surefire way to guarantee you’ll never get asked to play any sort of game again.

Scenario: *Cheers*
What to do: If you happen to be holding a cup and someone tries to “cheers” you, smash your cup against theirs so hard that their drink goes everywhere (making it look like some of the spillage came from your cup), then apologize for dirtying their “Make ‘Em Believe” shirt and run away to “get another drink.”

Scenario: Some generous/suspicious Badger hands you a drink.
What to do: Other than the fact that this is sketchy and you should never drink anything that you didn’t see being made, it’s rude to decline their generous offer. To avoid your obligation to drink this mystery concoction, accept the drink with confidence and proceed to let it slip right through your fingers to the floor. Oops. When/if they leave to get another, hide in Lakeshore–no one will ever look there.

Scenario: Inconsiderate Badgers are giving you a hard time for not drinking (alcohol).
What to do: Proceed to rattle off the list of harmful side effects that accompany alcohol consumption in a voice similar to that of a health commercial. You know, that headache-inducing voice so fast and monotone? Works every time. Another appropriate response is always, “F*CK YOU, EAT SH*T!”

Just so you all know, these responses have never actually been tested, so use them at your own risk. Also, they are not guaranteed to not piss people off and have them hate you forever. If all else fails, just hibernate in your dorm until all the drunks get home then laugh at them from your sober sanctuary.