Last night, Aaron Rodgers retreated to a suspicious sideline tent during the Packers game in Philadelphia. His brave actions have inspired UW-Madison students to escape their own cold, cruel realities by ushering themselves into similar feebly-constructed forts whenever necessary.
“Hiding out in my dorm room never gave me much satisfaction, I mean, my roommate’s a Trump supporter, the room is as cold and depressing as the outside world,” junior Matt Stephans told us from the confines of his tent. “Turns out, all I really needed was four flimsy walls and a mesh roof to feel safe.”
Stephans isn’t the only one turning to a tent for comfort, students all across campus have been popping their tents up for a multitude of reasons.
“I plan on using mine for my oChem final and papering the walls with all of my notes,” senior Ethan Scrant told us. When asked whether he really thought that would work he said, “Excuse me? It’s my ‘safe space’…everybody knows those are impenetrable.”
We stopped outside Witte to speak to one sheltered freshman, Sue Rice, “I used to have to spend hours educating those around me on their insensitivities. One can only be triggered so much, now when someone uses my incorrect pronoun I can just retreat to my tent. With all the extra time I have I’m hoping now I can finally pass English 101.”
There are varying accounts as to what Rodgers was actually doing in the tent, but at this point his original intentions are irrelevant, as tent-pitching has spread like wildfire. It’s only a matter of time before Becky Blank throws a ban on pitching a tent willy-nilly.
“It’s been a pretty rough season, so it’s nice to be able to thank Aaron Rodgers for something,” said senior Claire Sands. “He’s really proved his worth and now I have a safe place to watch the games away from my idiotic roommate from Illinois!”
If you’re saying you’ve never experienced DADs, well, you’re lying: