Another Year Passes Without Conclusive Evidence of What the F*** that Metal Thing is in Front of Memorial Library
As 2016 comes to a close many are proclaiming it to be one of the worst years in memory. David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Prince, Jose Fernandez, Kimbo Slice, Arnold Palmer, Leonard Cohen, and Julie Gregg are only some of the formative figures we have lost in the last year.
Among all of these atrocities, one thing still casts an even darker shadow over all of them: We still do not know what that weird pointy metal thing is in front of Memorial Library. We believe it’s fair to speak for all students when we say we really hoped this would be the year the truth would be uncovered.
It is natural to be saddened by many of the events that have happened in the last year, but it is not logical to allow that to affect your hunger for truth regarding an alloy enormity ravaging our beautiful campus for unspecified reasons.
Questions of what the “robot titty”, as we here at The Black Sheep refer to it as, may actually be wide ranging and inconclusive. A tomb for failed football recruits? The top spire of some spooky version of the Statue of Liberty that is proof we are living in a Planet of the Apes-esque post-society? A scale model of an Egyptian pyramid that the aliens used during construction? (Unless it’s the other way around, and the pyramid was the prototype. Stay Woke.)
People these days spend hours debating politics and what constitutes the ideal ‘dab’ (for reference the ideal dab form is: Head tucked into the crook of the inner elbow of one arm, whilst simultaneously holding the adjacent arm at a 10 degree angle above one’s shoulder), but when is the last time you saw two people engaged in discussion over something that truly matters, such as the mystery that is the metal thingy in front of Memorial?
Nobody seems to be talking about this mysterious piece of architecture on our beautiful campus because nobody is asking our campus officials for transparency regarding the subject, but enough is enough. Chancellor Blank, this is a call for you to reveal the purpose of your communist monument. We have a right to inquire on the various monuments you create with our tax/tuition dollars, and, as such, we demand you answer them. If you refuse to comply, you risk losing credibility with the remaining students that have not lost respect for you already; assuming you know the 7 of them by name, it would be wise to contact them individually.
Also, we demand you explain the Chazen museum logo. Why’s it all shapes? That’s definitely an Illuminati thing, right?
Do not relent students. Do not back down. Demand answers. We are students. We do not forget (except everything we studied on the day of an exam). We do not forget. Oh shit, wait. Expect us to ask a lot of questions, and then mostly shut up after you give us some bullshit reason as to why everything will be alright, even though we don’t agree with it and everything you said made us even more infuriated.