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D.A.R.E. Lion Suffers Existential Crisis Upon Visiting UW During Mifflin Week

In an attempt to reconnect with former students, everyone’s favorite anti-drug mascot, the D.A.R.E Lion, came to the UW campus this week to see the long-term results of his well-known “Drug. Abuse. Resistance. Education.” elementary program. Unfortunately, the results were less than stellar, as he was given a rude awakening showing up during Mifflin Week.

“Yeah, we always remained pals, and he got in contact with me last month, asking when a good weekend to come visit was,” said former D.A.R.E. graduate and current party star, Brock Williams. “Naturally I replied with Mifflin. I didn’t really think twice about it being an issue – everyone has fun at Mifflin.”

The D.A.R.E Lion was hoping to use current UW students as an example of the benefits that come when you “Dare to Resist Drugs and Violence,” saying that he would then use the students to inspire current D.A.R.E. enrollees to maintain a healthy and sober lifestyle.

“I was all excited for the trip to campus,” the lion explained. “They made it seem like the perfect time to visit, saying how they had several friends that were going be there including Mary Jane and Molly. Hell, they even mentioned that a respected admiral would be there – Nelson, I think his name was. It seemed like the students were doing so well and the program really worked wonders.”

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However, things soon took a turn for a worse when he arrived at a group of students’ house and saw firsthand the preparation for campus’ biggest weekend of the year. In stepping into the house it took him no more than a couple seconds to piece together what the students actually meant in describing Mifflin weekend to him.

Not impressed with the giant Natty Light throne and plantation-level amounts of marijuana, the mascot went rogue.

Housemate Alexis Hamilton explained, “He took two steps in the house, didn’t say a word, got the craziest look in his eye and bolted out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Next thing I know he’s on the news for crashing a 5-year-old’s birthday party to fight Bucky the Badger for apparently being a bad influence on us. It was wild.”

Needless to say the D.A.R.E. Lion will not be sticking around for the weekend, and refused to comment on the birthday party incident. Inside sources report that the Lion has checked himself into anger management classes, seeking to get clean and continue to strictly mentor elementary students.

Bucky, on the other hand, used the situation to tout his still perfect 15-0 record in fights and challenged, “that egg-headed excuse of a mascot from Columbus,” for his next fight – surely to be Big Ten Title bout. The Board of Regents has also promised the 5-year-old from the birthday party full enrollment to the university for the year 2031 to compensate for the trauma caused in having to see a mascot brawl. Almost everyone was able to have a happy ending.

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