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Jesse Kremer Pushes Conceal Carry Bill at UW, Secretly Just Wants to Steal Thousands of Dildos

Jesse Kremer continues to pursue plans to introduce legislation to allow concealed carry in UW campus buildings (including dorms and Camp Randall). The proposal has been controversial at the notoriously liberal UW campus, but Kremer explains he’s simply proposing the bill as a means to an end…a dildo end.

“I saw that protest over in Texas, ya know? They took to campus with dildos, some big, some small, ya know I don’t really have a preference, I think variety is key when it comes to yer dildoes, or you’ll get bored, ya know?” Kremer continued, “I’m makin’ peanuts over here, I can’t afford to keep up with my needs in the dildo department, if ya know what I mean, so I figured this would be a great way to crowdsource an assload of dildos.”

We spoke to some students about Kremer’s agenda: “This proposal will be incredibly detrimental to the safety and wellbeing of all stude–Wait, he’s just in it for the dildos?”

Sally Hansen, who is currently interning with Kremer explained her current situation, “I’m really impressed with everyone for coming together and planning this protest, but I’m the one who has to run around and swipe dildos left and right for Kremers stash. You know how hard it is to steal a dildo out of an angry protester’s hand? I guess it’s worked out in the end because people just think I’m super into the protest with 56 of these things flopping around on my backpack.”

When asked how far Kremer would go for an office full of sex toys he responded, “I’d like to have enough where I never have to do this again, ya know? It’s stressful for me, I had to do a lot of planning to get this to happen, to get my hands on these here dildos,” he said while holding two black dildo-shaped fists, “You never know if you’ll be in the mood for a balless dildo, tiny baby cock, veiny horse penis, it’s always good to have options. So, I’m willing to take this bill as far as it has to go so I can amass the perfect dildo chest, I don’t know if I’ll ever have enough.”

Students are encouraged to send a variety of dildos to Jesse Kremer’s office in hopes of appeasing his pursuance of this bill.

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