It’s March Madness time, which for those of us that don’t know anything about college sports means nothing. Despite the Badgers not making the tourney for the first time in 20 years, what everyone can relate to is the various travesties that exist on UW-Madison’s campus. So, in the spirit of March, The Black Sheep UW-Madison proudly presents this year’s UW Shitty 16!
(1) Bascom Hill vs. (16) Gordon’s Pasta:
While eating the Pasta at Gordon’s is akin to shoving mashed baby food through a food processor and dumping some rotten tomatoes on top, Bascom Hill knows how to be shitty and incite sweat year round, and what’s some bad pasta every once in a while to death about once a day?
(9) Detox vs. (8) Shitty Campus WiFi:
In our first upset of the day, Detox took down Shitty Campus WiFi, because although ResNet and UWNet are constantly the bane of our collective existences, nothing really compares to that one time you lost your phone, wallet and right shoe before waking up in a building that no one knows the whereabouts of.
(4) Constant Construction vs. (13) Scott Walker:
Constant Construction took down Scott Walker, because while Shitty Scott is in office now, death is inevitable. Construction, on the other hand, is immortal and will always exist. Especially in Wisconsin.
(12) Dorm Bathrooms vs. (5) Long Ass Walks:
Dorm Bathrooms pulled the surprising upset over Long Ass Walks, because you’re definitely more likely to get foot fungus from the former.
(2) 6 Month Winters vs. (15) College Library Bathrooms:
6 Month Winters secured an easy win over College Library Bathrooms because when you have to pee, you’d rather walk down a couple flights of stairs or across the street than stand out in the fucking cold all day long. Seriously, Wisconsin, what’s up with it being cold all the fucking time?
(7) Humanities vs. (10) Lori Berquam:
Humanities took down Lori Berquam no problem. We’d say she’s responsible for Humanities itself, but on a day-to-day basis, we’d rather deal with this less-than-charming human than become lost in a world of music students and history majors.
(3) Visitors vs. (14) Men’s Hockey:
Visitors also defeated Men’s Hockey by a landslide. We’re hoping the bottom-of-the-league Hockey Badgers get their shit together, but there’s really no way to stop your out of town friends from blacking out every time they visit. No one goes as hard as UW-Madison, and that’s a fact.
(11) Frat Boys vs. (6) No Culver’s:
In our final first round matchup, Frat Boys pulled the stunning overtime victory over No Culver’s, because, just like construction, frat boys are seemingly immortal and present everywhere, especially in Grainger. On to round two.
(1) Bascom Hill vs. (9) Detox:
In a battle of locations, Bascom Hill took it down to the wire in beating out Detox. Many students can thankfully go their few years here without being police car’d on over to who knows where, but Bascom is an unavoidable menace out to wreck the lives of all it countenances.
(12) Dorm Bathrooms vs. (4) Constant Construction:
Dorm Bathrooms were no match for Constant Construction. While the sight of your buddy’s pubes and the sheer easiness of getting athletes foot if you don’t wear shower shoes should carry these ratchet ass toilets to the next round, not having the Terrace for a year is undeniably worse.
(2) 6 Month Winters vs. (7) Humanities:
It was a close call, with two of the worst things ever to come out of Wisconsin (sorry Ed Gein) going head to head, but only one could be deemed the shittiest. And, you guessed it, 6 Month Winters took an easy win over Humanities, although combining the two is absolutely horrible and not recommended for any creature of this earth (even Ed Gein).
(3) Visitors vs. (11) Frat Boys:
In our final matchup of this round and the only one featuring real people (because sometimes those intangible/inanimate objects need the spotlight), Visitors defeated Frat Boys because honestly, Langdon is easy to avoid if you try, but that one friend from home who goes to community college and is “just tryna get drunk, bro,” is far, far worse. “They don’t even go here!”
(4) Constant Construction vs. (1) Bascom Hill:
Two tough, inanimate matchups, but only two can make it to the championship. In a stunning upset, Constant Construction took down Bascom Hill at the buzzer, ending what looked to be a promising run and securing 8 more months of construction on things that don’t even need it. It was a tough match, but student-proclaimed sadist Bascom Hill’s disgustingly exhausted and sweaty students attempting to get to class in Ingraham was no match for Constant Construction’s 10 year city construction plan that is replaced with a new plan every 10 years. Bascom just couldn’t keep up with Constant Construction’s unpredictability, and the No. 4 seed really ruined the No. 1 seed’s day, just like it ruined ours when it fucking BLOCKED OFF THE ONE STREE- oh, uh, sorry.
(2) 6 Month Winters vs. (3) Visitors:
This matchup was a dead win for 6 Month Winters. There really was no competition as 6 Month Winters coasted to an easy victory over Visitors. The Visitors tried to scream things like “turn up!” and post a plethora of Snapchats with all the Madison filters to their stories, but their incredibly annoying outsiderness was really no match for 6 Month Winters’ simple gust of 35 mph winds. Most of the Visitors from the coasts didn’t even bother showing up, and the ones that did found that their ankle-high boots were not sufficient for the 6 inches of snow 6 Month Winters casually dropped on its opponents.
(2) 6 Month Winters vs. (4) Constant Construction:
It was a tough road to get all the way here, but these two teams did it. In a cold-blooded, down-to-the-wire battle, there was no denying the champion between these two very Wisconsin-y things. 6 Month Winters were simply too much for Constant Construction, who is only constant because winter is so goddamn long and cold and not appropriate for the construction of things. Construction season is summer, and when faced with -10 degree weather and some extra charm coming off the coast of Mendota, Constant Construction was convinced to simply pack up and leave. Well, pack up as much as they could. You can still see cranes and rubble and shit where they were planning to build that new apartment building we so desperately need.
And that concludes the 2018 Shitty 16 for UW-Madison. Congrats 6 Month Winter, it seems like all you ever do is win over us Wisconsinites. Join us again next year, when Packs of Freshman and Gordon’s Receipts vie for their first ever bid to the tourney. And for more shitty things about UW-Madison, follow us on Twitter @BlackSheep_UW.