Have you found yourself googling Taylor Swift’s new album Reputation until your fingers bleed? Every time you hear a new song that you suddenly love, do you fear that the artist could be Taylor Swift? Do you actually, in fact, love Taylor Swift? If so, do not fret. You are not alone in your sudden, irrational fandom. Humans everywhere—and some dogs—have recently become overwhelmed with the country turned pop singing succubus.
From the most masculine man to the most feminine feminist, Taylor Swift fandom is taking over, which makes total sense. Like, anyone who doesn’t get a sense of freedom and enlightenment from Shake It Off or feel that sense of empowerment mixed with emptiness that is Blank Space are robots.
Seriously, they’re robots. Rip their synthetic skin off and crush their cold, metallic hearts because they can’t enjoy good music.
Taylor Swift deserves all of our love. Without her, we would not have this special gem to gawk at for weeks on end. Even President Obama loves her, paying tribute to the greatest song anyone has ever created. Who cares how many dudes she’s dated? Slut shaming is so 2002, you guys. Taylor is too good for 99.9% of the men on this planet, so obviously she’s going to go through a shit ton of males in her quest to find “the one.” So yeah, to any Directioners out there—go fuck yourself. Taylor is too good for your British gang of musical wannabes who would be labeled as child molesters if they ever dated any of their fans. The fact is, Taylor can do far better than Joe Alwyn, so shut the fuck up.
Saturday Night Live sees this increasing fandom as an epidemic that needs to be contained, attempting to make the public aware of the FDA approved drug Swiftamine, which will quell any and all Swift-related thoughts. FUCK THEM! People don’t need a drug to suppress who they are. There’s nothing wrong with expressing yourself through Taylor Swift fandom. She’s amazing. If anything, doctors should be working on a Mayermine. John Mayer is trouble, and we all know it. Especially Nicolas Cage.
Let’s now like to take a moment to revisit the previous statements regarding Taylor Swift being a “succubus” and loving her being “irrational”. Because I’m the most rational person I know, and I FUCKING LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT. She is perfect in every sense of the word. I’m not brainwashed, I’m Swiftwashed, which although may just sound like a fast brainwashing, is a true path to enlightenment. Finals are in like a week, and I’m not even stressed. Because I know Taylor Swift is out there, writing a song about some relationship she was once in, and I can’t wait to listen the shit out of it. #TSwift4lyfe
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