UW Freshmen Concerned Witte ‘Won’t Be Shitty Enough’

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As the wonderful freshmen move-in begins here at UW-Madison, several of the new students will be seeing a vastly improved Witte Residence Hall. However this improvement is not being met with complete praise, as some students are wishing they were around for the prime “shitty” days of Witte.

“Witte was the only dorm I wanted to be in, solely because of its shittiness,” current resident, Connor Frederickson, explained as he lazily hid a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in one of his socks. “I heard all about Witte’s reputation from my brother and from my dad, and just felt it calling me home.”

The 53 year old dorm has been undergoing various overdue improvements, including: replacing the air-conditioning units, expanding the bathrooms, and upgrading the basement study, classroom, and kitchen spaces. The air conditioning and bathroom changes seemed to strike a particularly powerful chord with Frederickson, and the last ones fell on deaf ears.

“The only point of me even spending any time in my dorm will be so that I can catch some ladies in towels and short-shorts,” Frederickson exclaimed as he adjusted the alignment of his artwork: a poster depicting a scantily clad Kylie Jenner. “How is that supposed to happen if it won’t be hot as hell and the showers won’t have a wait?”

Noticing the timing of his statements had been exactly as a few women had strolled past his door, Frederickson scrambled to catch a glimpse but unfortunately is a moment too late. “Oh well, their loss,” he said with a smirk that hopefully landed him on a list somewhere.

The suggestion of achieving the same level of shittiness by simply living in the Lakeshore neighborhood’s crown jewel, Kronshage, did not float well with Frederickson. “Like I’d want to be stuck with those weirdos way the hell over there. All they do is study.”

The opposite end of the spectrum garnered little interest from him either, as the luxury of Smith, Ogg, or Dejope seemed to conflict with his approach to his freshmen year. “I don’t want to have to like, think about where I’ll spew. I just want to spew where I spew, you know?”

As other fresh Badgers depart to various places with their families to purchase additional materials and textbooks, Connor bests them all, departing at 3 p.m. in search of, in his words, where “the” party is at. He’s able to add a few more salmon short clad gentlemen to his crew, and as they all depart on their quest one thing can be certain: despite the improvements to the face of Witte, some of the inhabitants will ensure that its true soul is never forgotten.

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