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UW Students Must Re-Learn What Garden Is After Annoying Winter


Winter is finally almost over. Thank goodness. After these long months of sporadic snowstorms, El Nino, and below freezing weather, it is about time that we have been released from the torture of perhaps the most brutal of the four seasons. Like, this winter should be going down as one of the most annoying seasons in recent memory, with cold weather and snow during spring break and these recent April days. Heck, why is it even snowing in April? What ever happened to “April showers bring May flowers?”


While we have all have had to bear through this long and hard winter, some people are coping with this adjustment harder than others. Like, much harder. After months and months of being only exposed to the snowy ground and dead plants, these students don’t even remember what a garden is.


And for those of you reading this who have also been greatly affected by this ailment and don’t remember what a garden is, The Black Sheep is here to help you. Garden. G-A-R-D-E-N. It is the G in HGTV. People grow stuff in it, like flowers or vegetables because they believe that’s better than looking at weeds. Or maybe they’re just too cheap to buy produce at the store.


Sophomore Rose Robinson is one of these extremely confused people. The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to be able to talk with Rose and experience first-hand her process of attempting to re-learn what a garden is.


When Rose was asked to describe what a garden was, she was unable to. It was like she had completely forgotten, as if the evil ghost of El-Nino had purged all memory of this beautiful sight from her mind. After hearing the word “garden,” she replied: “Garden? What’s a garden? Don’t you mean guardrail? Why are we talking about guardrails? I thought you guys wanted to talk about something real.”


People like Rose are not alone in this. A report from an anonymous source claims that they saw a young man yesterday staring unblinkingly at a flower while asking his mother on the phone “what this foreign mini decorative stalk of celery could be.”


Our dear Chancellor, Rebecca Blank, is more than aware of this campus-wide problem after personally experiencing a week-long lapse of not knowing what a garden was. Because of this urgency in re-educating the UW population about the qualities of a garden, she recently announced that the Agronomy and Horticulture departments will be conducting a “Know Your Garden Campus Tour” this weekend.


This event, the departments say, will start at the DC Smith Greenhouse on Babcock Drive in order to give people the opportunity to start slow and re-familiarize themselves with the qualities of a garden. Starting slow with this re-acquaintance is important, as any sudden over-education about gardens could result in an infomercial-level lack of control over their bodies. Once the students have safely adjusted to this previously alien idea of a garden, the tour will end at the Arboretum, where students will be able to test their knowledge and comfort with this concept of “garden.”


Are you having trouble re-learning what a garden is after this shoddy Wisconsin winter? Getting sick of this winter and just want it to be spring already? Tweet your rants and strong feelings to @BlackSheep_UW, and don’t forget to be on the lookout for an informational email from Chancellor Blank providing further details regarding the “Know Your Garden Campus Tour.”


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