UW Students Unprepared to Handle Whiskey Jacks 25 Cent Rail Night
To compete with the newer Double U, Whiskey Jacks devised a foolproof way to lure drunkards back to their bar: their own Thirsty Thursday deal of 25 cent rails! What could possibly go wrong?
After one trial night, the cleaning crew at Whiskeys was shocked by the shit show that ensued. “Once the crowd cleared, the inches deep of sticky film on the floor was astounding. I just… I… there are no words,” said the janitor.
We attempted to contact students for comments on the night, however, we have yet to find one that remembers any of it. One student did say, “All I know is that I’ve had the same pair of underwear on ever since. I spent all my quarters and can’t do laundry. It’s becoming… uncomfortable.”
The night ended up costing the bar a large sum. One of the principle costs was replacing the mechanical bull. Shortly after 10:00 p.m., the staff member in charge of the mechanical bull lost control of the machine. Party-goers took over the controls of the machine and began fighting it, with the help of an anonymous red bra used as a makeshift matador cape.
Things only got more absurd from there. “The unsavory activities the bull was forced to partake in were just too much to keep it around. He was defiled in more ways than one, and that’s all I’m prepared to say on the matter,” a waitress at the bar commented.
Some workers have even resigned following the night’s festivities. “I was the one running the bull…it wasn’t long before I lost any semblance of authority I had. They tied me to the beast, that’s really the last thing I remember before I passed out from the motion sickness.” The worker has since resigned from his post and is in psychiatric treatment for PTSD from the incident.
The owner of Whiskey Jacks says that they have discovered where their plan went wrong. “It turns out that young people don’t stop drinking when they have reached their limit. They stop if, and only if, they run out of money. We still plan to move forward with future 25 cent rail nights, but we’re looking into some more security options, or maybe just some weird props to keep the belligerent occupied. A Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man might be all it takes to keep a bunch of drunk people from kicking through walls Kool-Aid Man style.”
Hopefully they hold true to continuing 25 Cent Rail Night so people have a chance to experience how glorious it can be and maybe actually remember it next time…
What would YOUR parents say about Tinder?