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Wisconsin Convenience Stores Beginning to Regret ‘Going All In’ on Summer Darty Supplies

As if the thought of upcoming finals weren’t enough, Mother Nature gave campus another big, “fuck you,” this weekend by delivering a third coming of winter. The constant bombardment of freezing rain and snow has killed campus morale and crushed the hearts of students everywhere as the inclement weather has promptly put a hold on the Wisconsin time-honored tradition of dartying.

However, students aren’t the only ones suffering from the delayed start of darty season, as the lack of sunshine has perhaps had no bigger impact than on the local campus convenience stores, who are faced with serious overstock issues after aggressively investing in darty essentials.

Steve Nortman, the manager at the 7/11 on Regent St., was noticeably concerned.

“For as long as I’ve been here, it’s been the same routine. Once April 1st strikes, we line our shelves with as many brats, burgers and PBR as possible in anticipation of all-day beerfests and grill-outs,” said Nortman. “It’s just what we do. The darty season accounts for five percent of our yearly sales!”

The springtime weather typically provides campus with an economic boom, as students take to the lawns and enjoy the spoils of spring, using the warm weather as justification to do some grilling and day time liver testing. Local stores in turn, embrace the tradition and seize the opportunity by properly stocking up for the season with what outsiders would view as an absurd amount of plastic cups and inflatable toys.

But this year has been different. As a result, stores have been forced to get creative in handling the excessive amount of extra warm-weather party supplies, and have been hosting a plethora of employee luncheons and brat-eating contests.

“Just last week I had to send an employee to hospital after he got a piece of a Johnsonville cheddar brat lodged in his throat during one of our contests,” Kwik Trip manager, Mike Farley, said.

The Black Sheep did reach out to the employee for comments after confirming he was in stable condition, and he claims he has no regrets eating those 15 brats, and that an emergency endoscopy is a small price to pay for being able to set the Kwik Trip Employee Brat-Eating Contest record. An award he has always dreamed about winning since he began his career at the convenience store.

Nonetheless, time and freezer space is running out for local convenience stores as grilling necessity shipments continue to flow in on the daily. If it doesn’t warm up soon, these stores will surely be faced with disaster. Your move Mother Nature.

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