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Long Distance Couple Can’t Wait for Return to School

After a month of “I dunno, what do you wanna do?” messages between suburban couple Vince Miller and Kathy Lewis, the pair has decided they cannot wait to return to their respective schools in August. Although neither one has said this out loud, both have begun counting down the days in their iPhone calendars. Miller, an incoming sophomore at UIUC and Lewis, also a rising sophomore at The Ohio State University, began dating their junior year of high school, and found that complacency in a relationship is much easier to maintain than finding someone new.


This is the longest consecutive amount of time the couple has had together since starting college, and it has been punctuated by awkward silences while on dates, uncertainty over what the other likes physically (“Are you still into that butt thing?” Lewis cautiously asked one night) and Netflix binge sessions of The Office where they have been asked “are you still watching?” a record-amount seven times in one sitting. During previous extended breaks, Miller and Lewis were lucky to have been coerced into family vacations and different school calendars, and didn’t have to deal with being obliged to hang out, only because they’re in a relationship.


“So, um, what should we watch on TV tonight?” Miller anxiously asked Lewis, not looking forward to yet another Saturday night on the couch. “We’ve only watched this season of NCIS twice, does that sound okay?”


Lewis returned with a grunt that Miller knew meant, “I’m busy experiencing severe cases of FOMO scrolling through my Instagram feed while I’m stuck here with you, I don’t give a shit what we do.”


After watching five episodes of NCIS on opposite ends of the couch, Miller was fed up with the awkwardness, and began scooting towards Lewis. As every minute passed, Miller was getting closer to his girlfriend, inch-by-inch. By the end of the sixth episode of NCIS, Miller only had the distance of half a couch cushion left, when Lewis promptly stated that she was tired and wanted to go home. She gave Miller a kiss that was modest even for a grandmother and left without a goodbye.


Feeling dejected, Miller began to think of ways to salvage his empty relationship. He suddenly felt a surge of inspiration, and devised a plan he was sure would keep him and Lewis connected. Since the couple is long distance nine months out of the year, Miller brilliantly planned to make them long distance for the whole year. Their communication would rely solely on texting, Facebook Messenger and a weekly FaceTime if their schedules allowed for it. During the longer winter and summer breaks, Miller and Lewis would see each other for one weekend per month, which is what they are accustomed to at school.


Miller took Lewis out to coffee the next day to pitch the idea, which she absolutely loved. He had thought out every detail, down to what to do when the same group of friends wants to hang out with them.


“On Thursday and Saturday you get to hang out with Mike and Lisa, and I’ll be with Stacy and Brandon,” Miller explained to Lewis, as if they were working out custody after a divorce. “Friday we switch.” Lewis’ boyfriend’s innovation and commitment to making their relationship work ignited new passion inside of her, and they both hurriedly left the coffee shop to get home and begin texting.


The couple has been trying out their new relationship for a month now, and they couldn’t be happier. Miller and Lewis were reportedly even at the same screening of a movie and didn’t say hi to each other, which led to an intense sext session later in the evening.


“I’m a lucky gal to have a guy like Vince,” Lewis gushed about her not so long distance beau. “This relationship is everything a girl could want; good morning texts, time to spend with my friends and not being obligated to give head.”

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