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The Black Sheep Reviews: Seinfeld: a XXX Parody

 

When Valentine’s Day rolls around my mind naturally drifts to porn and comedy staples that never make me feel alone, oh so alone. Since I own zero hard copies of porn or Seinfeld (I’m a streamer and a dreamer my friends), a quick walk down internet alley led me to this little gem: Seinfeld a XXX Parody. I watched it with my roommate, which is totally normal because we fast forwarded through all the terrible dialogue and re-enacted the sex scenes – you know, just to really get a feel for the content.

 

I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld, which I think only made things even more uncomfortable. (On the message board for the site there is a comment that reads “I’ve never seen the actual comedy, but this looks great!” – which made me think Seriously? What kind of porn cave must this man live in? Is he like Patrick Star, only lifting up his jackin’ rock to eat, drink, and siphon the jizz before it suffocates him?) Unlike this man, I knew every joke and how poorly it was delivered, and every scene they were trying to re-enact. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to be overly critical, knocking a porn actor’s ability to act is like knocking normal people’s ability to fuck. 

 

In other words, when old Gerry goes off about pornography in his monologue: “What’s the deal with pornography,” he says in a flighty voice. “I mean, if -ography means to study, shouldn’t it be called dick-ography? Sorry Mary Sue, I can’t go out with you tonight, I’ve got some dick-ography homework,” (which I might have laughed at) – what he lacks in acting he makes up for in the ensuing 30-minute romp with Elaina on his couch. 

 

The overall movie is loosely based off the Soup Nazi episode, except in pornucopia he is the Porn Nazi. When Elaina can’t really decide what porn she wants he gives the old “No porn for you!” and Elaina is dismayed to say the least. Don’t worry though, because she and the Porn Nazi’s Asian assistant “get back at him” by having sweet lesbian sex in the back room. 

 

In the meantime, Krammer is sick of all his porn “I just can’t jerk-off, Gerry!” and decides to make a porn of his own!

 

Classic Krammer!

 

This basically a genius move by director Lee Roy Myers to deviate from the painstaking process of keeping to a parody and make a side plot that is pretty much just porn. So Krammer gets Sasha Grey and some other chicks to bone in a back yard, they involve him, and he is all weird Krammer like. 

 

The next scene is back in Gerry’s apartment, where Krammer has enlisted Gorge to make a sex scene with his fiancée Suzanne. Old Gerry walks in, and seeing that Krammer has transformed his apartment into a porn set, and that Gorge is going to be in it says “And that’s my cue to leave!” Then next person through the door, however, is Buck (who isn’t really a parody of anyone, not even Puddy. Let’s go Lee Roy, get it together!), a beastly man who is going to have sex with Suzanne and enrages Gorge to drop his notorious line “Serenity now!” 

 

Krammer gives his porn tape to Noman, who in turn sells it to the Porn Nazi. And then something happens that leads Noman to have sex with Regina (read like vagina, ie. Mulva) in the back room of the porn shop. Gerry refers to Regina as Orgazma-girl because she is always having orgasms, which rubs Gerry the wrong way.

 

Classic Gerry!  

 

Somehow everyone ends up in the Porn Nazi’s shop, and Gorge sees his tape being played on the TV. Gerry shakes his fist at Noman, and Gorge yells at Krammer because now Suzanne wants to be with Buck. Cut scene to Gerry on stage again, saying he is a big tit guy as an unnamed large breasted woman comes on stage and has sex with him. Classic unnamed large breasted woman!

 

This was the first porn parody I’ve seen, and I was a little disappointed. I mean, I know I shouldn’t expect much, but there was like 20 minutes of parody and 50 minutes of hardcore, unforgiving penetration – in which the actors totally broke out of character. But it’s probably worth watching in the same way it’s necessary to drink rotten milk, just to experience the taste and know you need to stay far, far away from it.

 

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