Stories By Andrew Malone
-
Illinois
Tenure to Townie: Esteemed Professor Gambles Away Life Savings on Legends Slot Machines
Addiction hits hard, and hits indiscriminately. Gordon Chandler had it all—a prestigious 30-year reign as Professor...
-
Illinois
UIUC Neo-Luddite Society Destroys JUULs in Favor of Cigarettes
A movement that began in the early 17th century opposing all types of technology, the Luddites...
-
Illinois
Top 10 Muscle Groups for LAS Majors to Work Out to Prepare for a Lifetime of Food Service
Through the thick fog of uncertainty that is an exhaustive job search, one thing becomes abundantly...
-
Illinois
Top House Bro Reclaims Virginity After Logging 1,000 Hours in Fortnite
In his own words, Wade Crowder was “destined to be a frat star.” With four years...
-
Illinois
5th Year Senior Finds Calling as Ice Dancer After Taking KIN 104
Most of UIUC students know of KIN 104 as that blow-off ice skating class that seniors...
-
Illinois
An Attempt to Describe Champaign Bars as Dragon Ball Z Characters
Have you ever wanted to invite a nerdy friend to the bar, but just couldn’t find...
-
Illinois
South Quad Bell Tower’s Bizarre Song Activates MKUltra Sleeper Agents
Project MKUltra, otherwise known as the CIA mind control program, was a series of experiments conducted...
-
Illinois
Experts: The GEO Protests Were a False Flag
During the recent GEO protests, disgruntled undergrads were shuffled from obscure classroom to obscure classroom to...
-
Illinois
5 Ways to Seduce Strangers in the English Building
English majors are a unique bunch. After all, anyone studying literature at a technically-inclined school like...
-
Illinois
7 Ways to Disguise How Drunk You Are in Class on Unofficial
Unless you’re a hardened alcoholic, Unofficial provides Illini with the unique opportunity to go to class...