Andrew Malone

Illinois

Consistency is Key: Illini Who Binged Netflix All Summer Excited For Next Nine Months Binging Netflix In Dorm

After three months of laying in bed and binging Netflix, Kyle Harris is excited to finally...

Illinois

Illini Who Took the Chicago Greyhound Home Now Hooked on Meth

We have all heard tales of the Chicago Greyhound’s sketchiness. But no amount of secondhand information...

Illinois

Tenure to Townie: Esteemed Professor Gambles Away Life Savings on Legends Slot Machines

Addiction hits hard, and hits indiscriminately. Gordon Chandler had it all—a prestigious 30-year reign as Professor...

Illinois

UIUC Neo-Luddite Society Destroys JUULs in Favor of Cigarettes

A movement that began in the early 17th century opposing all types of technology, the Luddites...

Illinois

Top 10 Muscle Groups for LAS Majors to Work Out to Prepare for a Lifetime of Food Service

Through the thick fog of uncertainty that is an exhaustive job search, one thing becomes abundantly...

Illinois

Top House Bro Reclaims Virginity After Logging 1,000 Hours in Fortnite

In his own words, Wade Crowder was “destined to be a frat star.” With four years...

Illinois

5th Year Senior Finds Calling as Ice Dancer After Taking KIN 104

Most of UIUC students know of KIN 104 as that blow-off ice skating class that seniors...

Illinois

An Attempt to Describe Champaign Bars as Dragon Ball Z Characters

Have you ever wanted to invite a nerdy friend to the bar, but just couldn’t find...

Illinois

South Quad Bell Tower’s Bizarre Song Activates MKUltra Sleeper Agents

Project MKUltra, otherwise known as the CIA mind control program, was a series of experiments conducted...

Illinois

Experts: The GEO Protests Were a False Flag

During the recent GEO protests, disgruntled undergrads were shuffled from obscure classroom to obscure classroom to...