Thomas 'Paign

Thomas 'Paign

Staff Writer

University of Illinois
Booze Review: Kalashnikov Vodka

As a law-abiding, American citizen it’s natural to want to have a firearm in your hands at all times. Even when you’re boozing you might have that urge, perhaps it’s even stronger then, but only a huge idiot would ever pull something like that. Your next best bet is to lock and load with a […]

Intern Fired After Attempting to End Shift Early by Blasting “Closing Time”

Bennet Fuchs, an incoming University of Illinois senior and Political Science major, has lost his cushy internship after playing one-hit wonder Semisonic’s song over his office’s intercom. This past Friday, “Closing Time” could be heard blaring down State Street from the law office of Ashull, Schitz, and Johnson LLC as the intern desperately tried to […]

Booze Review: Grey Goose Vodka

So you’re finally making some decent dough from your summer job, unless you were unfortunate enough to get roped into a scam like a pyramid scheme or an unpaid internship. Do you do something smart with your money like buying up some treasury bonds or paying off your student loans? Hell no! You’re a gosh-darn […]

Is It Worth Driving 45 Minutes to Naperville for Your Friends With Benefits?

It’s the time in the summer when the nostalgia of home wears off and you’re missing everything from Champaign: your twin-sized bed, Monday night Red Lion and your hookup living across the hall. Do you remember it being good enough that now you’re willing to trek 45 minutes (without traffic) to get your bean flicked […]

Booze Review: Green Apple Taaka Vodka

After freshman year, no one’s going to be impressed by the Burnett’s that you buy for your pregames. So, give a try to Taaka, it's just as horrible!

U of I Student Identifies Zodiac Killer After Deciphering Bathroom Graffiti in English Building

This past Tuesday, Wilson Regis, a senior creative writing major at UIUC, led the Illinois Sheriff’s Department to the exact location of an elusive criminal. The Zodiac Killer, infamous for conducting several killings in Northern California during the 1960s and 1970s, was found in a trailer home in the Champaign’s neighboring town of Mahomet. Regis […]

Freshman Caught Stealing Two Cookies From IKE Dining Hall Expelled From University

Around 5:35 p.m. last night, university officials responded to a harrowing call placed by student employees at the Ikenberry Dining Center. The employees reported a robbery, claiming an unidentified student left the cafeteria with two cookies from the Baked Expectations station, which is one more than a student is legally allowed to carry out. The […]

Champaign Gets Portillo’s Right As You Leave

Portillo’s has announced that they’ll be opening one of their beloved restaurants in Champaign in late May. While most Illini are ecstatic to have their hometown comfort food just a short drive off campus, some students from the graduating Class of 2017 have expressed great disdain toward the news.Senior Vicente Como described the opening date […]

Booze Review: Mike’s Hard Lemonade

Do you like the taste of a nice glass of lemonade but are afraid of being called a little bitch for drinking one? We’re honestly not sure why you would be, but we guess some guy named Mike thought that was a serious issue so they decided to make Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And quite frankly, […]

Booze Review: Canadian Club Whisky

Finals week is just around the corner, so you know what that means – time to get lost in the bottom of a bottle of whisky. While your test might not go well, you can ensure that your drinking does by avoiding Canadian Club Whisky at all costs. Like everything from Canada, it’s pretty similar […]