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The 5 Steps to Getting Drunk in Hillman


Ahh, Hillman. The home of every studious Pitt pre-med, and the casual hangout for communications majors. With the semester quickly winding down and finals rapidly approaching, we here at The Black Sheep are actually doing our homework. We’ve even gone to a few classes! Some habits die hard, though, so we’ve learned to incorporate the best of both worlds by bringing the booze to the books. That’s right, we’re going to get you drunk in Hillman.


Step 1: Pick Your Poison

Now, as much as we advocate for a good day drink, we don’t advocate tequila shots before studying, we want your clothes to stay on if possible. You have to pick the right type of drunk. Do you have a paper to write? Take a page out of Hemingway’s book and go with a dark liquor (or at least Apple Cider Fireball) so you can write drunk and edit sober (it’s how we write these articles). Are you doing chemistry or calculus? You might as well chug some wine because we know you’re going to end up in tears anyway. If you’re doing anything too pretentious (looking at you, political science majors), go with an IPA. The “hoppier” the better… or whatever.


Step 2: How to Take it into Hillman

If you don’t have an opaque Pitt mug by now, what are you doing? Walking your little butt to Market-To-Go to buy a bottle of soda, that’s what you’re doing. Start by taking a few shots and using your bottle of soda as a chaser, and then spend about two minutes thinking about your life choices. Push all that shame to the back of your head, and pour the rest of the booze into your Diet Pepsi. Voila. You have a totally not suspicious Pepsi bottle that the guards won’t look twice at. For the more #Basic among us, make sure to top off your skinny white mocha with a shot of peppermint schnapps or Bailey’s. It’s basically a bottle of Christmas cheer.


As for full bottles and or cans (for the really stupi—err, brave)… Well, you have a backpack, don’t you? Just get creative with stacks of books (bonus, you actually look like you’re getting work done) and an ‘I Love Reading’ coozie, and you’re set.


Step 3: Get Drunk, Bitchezzz

Now that you’ve managed to not look too guilty taking sips out of your cleverly disguised concoction, it’s time to reap the benefits. Have a paper due? Let the drunk babbling idiot you have become explain Socrates. Have to peer edit something? We all know you’re kind of a dick when you drink, which means your partner is going to get the most honest feedback they’ve gotten this semester.


Step 4: But Not That Drunk!

Otherwise your friends might need this…


Step 5: Wake up the Next Morning

Why are you hungover on a Tuesday? Why is your paper just full of cat pictures? Why can’t you find your laptop? No worries my friend, because you did it. You survived getting drunk in Hillman. Now about that hangover… The only really good cure is to get drunk before class. Your move.


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