What else is there to do on campus in the summer, right? Whether you’re on campus under your own free will or not, The Black Sheep is here to give you a reason to drink each day until school starts.
June 19: Garfield, the world’s most syndicated comic strip, makes its debut in 1979. He hates Mondays. You love Fridays. Same thing. Drink beer.
June 20: In 2003 The Wikimedia Foundation is founded in St. Petersburg, Florida. Without it, this article would not exist, and you’d be sober.
June 21: In 1788 New Hampshire becomes the 9th state in the Union. “Live Free or Die” is their motto. You’re free to drink, though the beer probably won’t be free.
June 22: The Pledge of Allegiance is formally adopted by Congress in 1942. Find a beer can with an American flag on it. Salute it with your mouth.
June 23: The Dutch Reformed Church accepts women as ministers. This was in 1958. Have some celebration gin.
June 24: The 972 Battle of Ceydnia marks the first recording victory for Poland. There’s a joke to be made here, but we’re too sober to do it. We’ll be right back.
June 25: Dystopian author George Orwell is born in 1903. We’re watching you. We’re watching you drink that beer like a goddamn champ.
June 26: In 1977 Elvis performs the last concert of his life in Indianapolis. We’d be so, so very drunk if we had to live in Indianapolis.
June 27: US Route 66 is removed from the United States Highway System in 1985. No one will ever drive drunk on it again, which is certainly worth drinking to.
June 28: Labor Day becomes a national holiday in 1894. Sure, it’s a couple months away, but why not celebrate it a few months early?
June 29: In 2014 ISIS declares itself a Caliphate. Drink because they said you can’t. Woo-hoo, angry drinkin’!
June 30: Mike Tyson is born in 1966. Slam some brews. Slam some beers. Slam someone else in the face.
July 1: The start of the first Tour de France begins in 1901. Remember that commercial where some fit couple sips Michelob Ultras after an intense bike ride? That’s you, but with more malt liquor and sitting.
July 2: The 1917 East St. Louis Riots end. Which, uh, is good. So, drink to that.
July 3: Tom Cruise is born in 1962. Join Katie Holmes in forgetting this day existed.
July 4: America.
July 5: Dolly the Sheep is born cloned in 1996. Celebrate by having a bunch of empty bottles appear from nothing tomorrow morning.
July 6: George W. Bush is born in 1946. Share the common bond of alcohol by pounding back a few (dozen) for this much-loathed DUI-having President.
July 7: In 1928 sliced bread (also made of grain!) debuts from the Chillicothe Baking Company. Wheat beers all around!
July 8: The Mounties begin their March West in 1874, which is a thing the internet says is true. Canadians like beer, right guys? Right?
July 9: Andy Warhol’s The Campbell’s Soup Cans exhibit opens in 1962. Cans are prominently displayed in an art gallery; your garbage can.
July 10: In 1940 the Vichy Government is established in WWII France. We’re going to need a lot more wine.
July 11: In 1889 Tijuana, Mexico is founded. Tequila for everyone. Prostitutes for most. Venereal disease for some.
July 12: A 1973 fire destroys the entire 6th floor of the National Personal Records Center. We are all no one. We are all nothing. Life is meaningless. We need a drink.
July 13: The Hollywood sign is officially dedicated in Los Angeles in 1923. Champagne for all, for we are again glamorous.
July 14: In 1969 the $500, $1,000, $5,000 and $10,000 bills are removed from circulation. Thanks, how are we going to pay for these 300 cases of Keystone Light, now?
July 15: In 1799 the Rosetta Stone is discovered in Egypt, helping man translate hieroglyphics. Get plowed and try to invent something to decipher drunk slurring.
July 16: The coronation of Richard the II of England occurs in 1377. They celebrated. You celebrate, too. With English beer, of course.
July 17: Noted baseballer, asshole and drunk Ty Cobb dies in 1961. Get drunk and a skunk and go scream at some small children.
July 18: Adolf Hitler publishes Mein Kampf in 1925. It’s humanity at its worst, in written form. You’ll need a bottle of Jagermeister to get through it.
July 19: Benedict Cumberbatch is born in 1976. Celebrate Sherlock by getting loaded and solving the mystery of where you put your pants the next morning.
July 20: In 1903 the Ford Motor Company ships its first car. The assembly line makes it happens, drink some beers that come off one.
July 21: Today in 1955, Taco was born. Taco brought us “Puttin’ on the Ritz.” Go see the well-to-do on Park Avenue, and then, you know, go get well-to-drunk.
July 22: 1933, Wiley Post becomes the first person to fly solo around the world. Quite a feat. Find the nearest airport and drink until you cry about not “growing up to be an explorer.”
July 23: Amy Winehouse died today in 2011. Too soon? Maybe. But she would’ve wanted you to get Winehouse’d tonight. What do you mean that was too soon? YOU’RE TOO SOON.
July 24: 1969’s Apollo 11 safely splashes down in the Pacific. Proudly announce, “Houston, I do not have a drinking problem.”
July 25: Louise Brown, the world’s first “test tube baby” is born. This was the first step to genetic engineering, drink because your kids will be genetically pre-categorized and placed into according lifestyles.
July 26: The War of the Roses began today in 1455 England. Some say Game of Thrones is loosely based on this war. Drink because life isn’t Game of Thrones and everything is boring.
July 27: Frank Zamboni, inventor of the ball point pen Zamboni died today in 1988. Memorialize this inventor of the “ice resurfacer” by building hockey sticks with empty Icehouse cans.
July 28: World War I started on this date in 1914. These are the kind of dates you should have memorized. You don’t, so drink away the shame.
July 29: Today in 1921 Adolf Hitler became leader of the Nazi party. You’re the leader of your frat or sign language club or whatever, so drink to commonalities!
July 30: Arnold Schwarzenegger was brought into the world on this day in 1947. 1947, that’s old as shit. You’d still bang him though, especially after all the beers you drink watching Terminator movies today.
July 31: Three years ago today Michael Phelps broke the record for most medals won during the Olympics. Rip a bong, take a shot, then see if you can swim the length of the pool underwater.
August 1: It’s officially August which means summer’s almost over and everything’s fucked. Drink. FINE — Coolio was born on August 1st, 1963. Are you happy now?
August 2: Today in 1776 the Declaration of Independence was signed. Order a pint of ale for freedom, then dump it down the drain because freedom is dead and America ain’t what it use’ta be.
August 3: The Wheatland Hop Riot, one of the nation’s first major labor confrontations, happened on this day in 1913. Drink your hop-laden beer in celebration that labor-related issues in this country have been huky-dory ever since.
August 4: In 1993 a federal judge convicts two policemen to 30 months in prison for violating the civil rights of Rodney King. Drink in celebration that race-related issues in this country have been huky-dory ever since.
August 5: Nelson Mandela is jailed on this day in 1962. He wouldn’t be released until 1990. You’ve seen the movie so you totally get it. Have a beer and think about the hardships you’ve endured, like missing Lollapalooza AGAIN.
August 6: In 2008 on this date on this date a military junta led by Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz staged a coup d’état in Mauritania, overthrowing president Sidi Ould Cheikh Abdallahi. You know all those words, drink because you’re so smart.
August 7: Mike Trout, future greatest baseball player to ever live, was born on this day in 1991. You were good at sports once, but now you’re the disappointment your parents know and love. Drink (more) to that.
August 8: Creed frontman Scott Stapp is born in 1973. Embrace your love of liquor with arms wide open.
August 9: Henry David Thoreau publishes Walden in 1854. Go out to a forest with a bottle of whiskey, don’t return until you’re all about that self-reliance.
August 10: Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Seville in 1519 to circumnavigate the globe. Drink up, without this discovery, how would there be tequila?
August 11: In 1960 Chad declares independence. That Chad, such a rebel. Have a beer or 2 in his honor.
August 12: The Perseid Meteor Shower peaks today. Make sure you can’t really decipher the difference between the stars that shoot and the stars you’re seeing.
August 13: Cook and TV personality Julia Child dies in 2004. Her favorite food and drink combo was red meat and gin, so have a quick sip and fall in love with this dead broad.
August 14: The first-ever Youth Olympic Games are held in Singapore in 2010. Which, c’mon, watching children’s sports sober is about as much fun as a pulmonary embolism.
August 15: The Wizard of Oz debuts in 1939 at Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Don’t be a Cowardly Lion and down some of that liquid gold like the Tin Man.
August 16: Sports Illustrated publishes its first issue in 1954. People drink for sports, and to celebrate. This is just common sense.
August 17: In 1953 the first meeting of Narcotics Anonymous occurs. It’d be a real drag to get through one of those meetings sober, so you better get lit.
August 18: The trial of the Pendle witches, one of England’s most famous witch trials, begins in 1612. Get some bubbly brew of your own and have yourself a spooky soiree.
August 19: Swiss composer Beat Raaflaub is born in 1946. Sometimes you just have to celebrate a world in which a guy named Beat Raaflaub exists.
August 20: In 1858 Charles Darwin first publishes his thoughts on evolution. Think about it: Everything in history has led up to this moment: Man walking, picking grapes, fermenting beverage, man passing out in his own filth. You deserve this.
August 21: In 1911 the Mona Lisa is stolen by a Louvre employee. She was so happy because she was blitzed. You want to be happy too, right?
August 22: Kristen Wiig is born in 1973. You’re going to need to inhale a handle of Jack to sit through a Gilly skit marathon.
August 23: Classes start tomorrow. You, uh…need to prepare your liver for Syllabus Week, right?
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