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Alcohol Makes Man Invincible, Cry

During a get-together Saturday night, sophomore Brian Poole was given the power of invincibility with the trusty help of belligerent drunkenness, making him impervious to earthly limits imposed on mere mortals like his body’s warnings to take it easy and drink some water, his friends’ advice to stop screaming, and crying. 

In order to break free from the chains of the stressful week, the young hero took up the call to stand up for himself against everyone who tries to help him on a weekly basis when he inevitably does this same thing.

Taking the bold stand that he wouldn’t put up with their oppressive constructive criticism and politely-stated ideas for how he could not be reduced to tears every day by the normal hardships of school and life, the brave young Brian, son of the great alcoholic Kevin, rose above these worldly barriers to become a great juggernaut of self-destruction, smashing all walls and personal relationships in his path of glory that inevitably leads to him sobbing again.

“I’m going to be fine! None of you believe in me! I don’t need you!” he screamed to everyone who tried to give him help in a concerted effort not to enable him. “You don’t give a shit! None of you give a shit about me!” he said, mistaking their reassurance and help for an attempt to inflate their sense of superiority. 

Yet in the same way that the great Cronus was destroyed by Zeus, and how the great Zeus was then fooled by many others, so did the great Brian fall to his demise, crying on the sofa whose cushions he once stood upon screaming as everyone stood around silently, with only the sound of “All About That Bass” to fill the void. 

Following the glorious downfall, perceived enemy and denounced friend Heather McIntosh sat next to him and started rubbing circles on his back, rehabilitating him for his next great arising, which, with her help and a few others’, wouldn’t be for a very long time. 

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