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An Underclassmen Guide to Drinking on the Sly at Pitt

Booze. It’s been around since the dawn of civilization. Scientists believe that without the cold-brewed taste of this liquid gold, humans might never have settled down and instead would have continued to soberly hunt and gather their meager existence away. And we all remember our first, forbidden taste. Eighth grade: your hormones were raging, Dad left a half empty beer can unattended and you gulped down a swig of the delicious suds. From then on, you were hooked! But it’s only gotten more challenging since then to get your underage drink on. With campus security on the prowl for underage drunks and the judgmental eyes of squares and narcs watching your every move, you need a plan. In this article you will learn the time-tested methods of covertly indulging in the hard stuff.


The Sock Full o’ Sauce

Attending a Pitt game at Heinz, a concert at Stage AE, or some other such occasion that involves you getting patted down or metal detected? Then this is the solution for you!


What you’ll need:
– Liquor
– Trendy apple sauce pouch
– Funnel
– Long, jizz-free socks


How it works:
First, consume the apple sauce. Refreshing right? Fruit is quite a change from the ramen you’re used to eating. Some vitamins, some fiber, it’s great! Anyway, now you’re going to rinse out the pouch to get any extra apple mush out. Using the funnel, pour that beautiful mixture of carbon and hydrogen (you go to Pitt, read a book) into the pouch and seal that bitch up. Put on your socks and tuck your makeshift flask into one. Once at your event, pay the outrageous price for a soda in order to make a cocktail, or say “fuck it” and drink it straight (and at body temperature).


NOTE: If it’s an occasion where you are going sockless, an alternative place to smuggle your hooch is in your briefs, between your legs and in front of your mutton dagger (we’re sure you’ve got plenty of room).


Bottle of (Jesus) Juice

Are you a self-proclaimed wino trying to avoid the stigma of public drinking/intoxication? This tip is exactly what you need to have your wine and drink it too.


What you’ll need:
– Wine (I prefer a nice Cardboardeaux)
– Bottle of cranberry juice


How it works:
Drink your bottle of cranberry juice. Holy shit! IWe’ve gotten you to consume two servings of fruit by promising you alcohol. We’re like an abusive mother without the chain smoking, tattoos, and shady boyfriends who hang around for a few weeks and then disappear along with your piggy bank.


Now that you have an empty bottle, fill ‘er up with some wine. If someone questions what you’re drinking merely reply “Cranberry juice. I’ve got a urinary tract infection, dick.” Not only will they believe you, but they will most likely leave you alone for sharing disgusting information about yourself.


NOTE: If you prefer the taste of white wine (pretty picky for an alcoholic) substitute a bottle of white grape juice.


Extra Happy Meal


Are you a self-proclaimed braümeister trying to avoid the stigma of public drinking/intoxication? Are you wondering how I could possibly be this lazy? Shut up, here’s your damn tip.


What you’ll need:
– Paper cup from Market To Go (cup, lid, straw)
– Mac & Cheese Bites
– Beer


How it works:
Go to Market To Go and get yourself some Mac & Cheese Bites and an empty cup. Eat the bites. There, not only are the friggin’ delicious, but we also just upped your alcohol tolerance. Now crack open your beer and put it in the cup. Place the lid on the cup and insert the straw so that you can sip your beer as you stroll through scenic South Oakland.


Armed with this new knowledge, go have some fun. Have a Cheez Whiz and wine tasting in Schenley Plaza. Tailgate Saturday’s football game with a few brews and without fear of the police. If nothing else, go out into the world with a little extra fun in your life and a little extra slur in your words. Cheers, kids!


Editor’s Note: We’re not condoning this, just acknowledging that it exists. And since it exists, that’s how you’d do it. We’d write the same thing about not kidnapping the elderly.

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