Connect with us
Connect with us


ASA Out for Blood

The Asian Student Association is furious that not a single Asian student is working at the new Panda Express in the Hendrix Student Center, and they’re calling for blood. 


“It’s an absolute outrage,” shouted Brandon Xiao through a megaphone outside Hendrix the morning of Monday, September 1st. Xiao stood, pressing a Jian blade against a student’s neck with the dexterity of a master calligrapher. He repeated “we must be heard!” before throwing down a smoke bomb and disappearing into the morning mist.


The statistics do support Xiao’s claim: every worker at the new Panda Express is either white or black, allegedly representative of the great panda represented in the company’s logo. This fact does not appear to quell the rage of the ASA; the organization is threatening riots if the entire establishment is not filled immediately with teaching assistants working night shifts. 


Xiao returned to Hendrix again the following morning, calling the hiring procedures a slap in the face, and upset that he and fellow members of the ASA weren’t already offered jobs at the establishment. “The ASA will tear down their Starbucks and their Einstein Bagels, we will uproot their Wendy’s and destroy their Clubs of Shag and Swing. Across the campus, there will be not a single TA left in the College of Engineering and Science. The flame of our revolution will burn brighter than the body of the Qilin, creature of legend.” 


Xiao also commented on the possibility of an assault on the Clemson radio station WSBF, in which the ASA would hijack the airwaves in order spread their message to the masses and to play the theme song from “Once Upon a Time in China” over and over until their demands were met, demands which remain only one in number: an Asian workforce for an Asian restaurant. 


He left as quickly as he had arrived, pursued by Clemson security. The officers were stalled by the caltrops Xiao had left, and he slipped away amongst the fresh dew. 


Xiao was last seen fleeing Hendrix last Friday after cleaving the arm off of a guard with his double tiger hook swords and is still at large. Authorities have issued a warrant for his arrest and any information about his whereabouts should be reported immediately. Do not attempt to engage Xiao, as he is very adept at Baguazhang and lethal with his fists. 


Since these incidences, the ASA has begun asking that students not judge their entire organization based on one’s self-righteous zealot. The ASA is simply trying to give its members another opportunity to succeed, and earn a little extra cash. Maggie Chen, the ASA President, has stated publicly, “One crazy dude with a set of stereotypical weapons does not mean we’re all like that. Brandon Xiao does not represent our organization’s needs in the least.”


The Black Sheep can confirm reports that Brandon Xiao has been excommunicated from the ASA and has left with a few fellow fanatics to form a new faction, although when he shouted the name of the group as he stepped across the wings of the morning birds to make his escape, it was a little garbled and hard to understand.

Continue Reading

More from Booze

To Top