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Ask The Black Sheep!

 

 

Welcome to Ask The Black Sheep, in which totally unqualified (oft intoxicated) college students attempt to advise totally clueless (oft intoxicated) college students!

 

“How do I find true love on this campus?” – Evan

 

Dear Evan,

Normally we’d say go after a Banking and Finance major like every other basic bitch at Ole Miss looking to get her MRS (we see you, Elementary Education!); but you’re clearly looking for something more meaningful. For true romance, The Black Sheep recommends hitting up your favorite bar. When you see her across the room, doing the same kind of sloppy drunk shit as you, you’ll know she’s the one.

 

Best of luck,

The Black Sheep

 

“Ugh. Why do you keep posting shit in this group? This is a group for our Christian fellowship, not a place for dick pic articles!” – Tyler

 

Dear Tyler,

Go fuck yourself, that’s why.

 

With love,

The Black Sheep

 

“How do I keep up with all my classwork?” – Samantha

 

Dear Samantha,

This is a toughie. We can tell you’re the sort of overachieving Rebel that actually goes to class and wants to do well (more power to you). Since it’s too late to drop that one 300 level English class, which is most likely the one taking up most of your time… but seriously, why do we need to reread Black Beauty… we suggest an arrangement with a classmate where you exchange sexual favors for homework/notes.

 

Use protection,

The Black Sheep

 

“What are you wearing right now?” – Shawn

 

Dear Shawn,

… We think you’re misunderstanding what precisely the purpose of “Ask The Black Sheep” is. (Sweatpants and a sweatshirt. There may or may not be half handful of goldfish crackers that I lost in there)

 

Well, that was awkward,

The Black Sheep

 

“How do I hide my alcohol in the dorms?” – Mackenzie

 

Dear Mackenzie,

Water bottles for vodka. Opaque pitcher for wine. Hollow out a dildo for the hard stuff (see what we did there?). Replace the padding in your pushup bras with baggies full of bourbon. For alcoholism on the go, rip the interior lining of your backpack and pack it with those mini bottles.

 

Stay thirsty, my friend,

The Black Sheep

 

“What if I don’t make it into ADPi?” – Lauren

 

Dear Lauren,

Well, first of all, aim higher. (Just kidding, The Black Sheep loves all Ole Miss sororities equally… even Thetas). Since your life is, like, basically over if you don’t go Greek, you should probably start looking into transferring schools.

 

We’re sure you’ll do fine…

The Black Sheep

 

“I want a ring by spring. Where do I start looking for my MRS?” – Katy

 

Dear Katy,

Business and Finance majors are the obvious choice, but you may do a little looking around in Political Science and Accountancy just in case the Business boys are all picked over. Keep the Physics major in reserve, if shit gets desperate, and stay the hell away from men in Journalism!

 

You go, girl, dig that gold!

The Black Sheep

 

“What’s a good homemade gift to give my boyfriend for his birthday?” – Allison

 

Dear Allison,

A blowjob.

 

You’re welcome,

The Black Sheep

 

“What’s good to binge on Netflix right now?” – Patrick

 

Dear Patrick,

It’s good to see that your priorities are in the right place. If you’re a comedy guy, we recommend Bojack Horseman. If drama and action is more your speed, you can’t go wrong with Daredevil. A Black Sheep staff favorite is combining binge watching and binge drinking with Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

 

Binge on,

The Black Sheep

 

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