“Man, dude, I’m sick of throwing my disposable income from my boring lifeguarding job on meaningless things like charity and gas for my mom’s Honda Odyssey,” your friend says to you. Those pot-smoking days behind your middle school are over because it’s now festival season in Chicago. But, these festivals aren’t meant for college kids; they’re meant for families and adults and you are neither of those. Here’s a guide on how to not look like yourself at these festivals:
When: July 8-12
Where: Grant Park
How much: Free…to walk in
How to not look like a college student: Contrary to popular belief, Taste of Chicago is not a dining hall, so taking a deep dish, a chicken kabob, and two steaks will probably cost you $50, making the event… not exactly free. Your tuition money only pays for so much. But, at least an 18-year-old’s pubic hair won’t be in that deep dish pizza of yours.
When: July 18 – 19
How Much: $5 for Guys, Free For Girls
How to Not Look Like a College Student: We know what you’re thinking and no, this festival is not a frat party with a bad horrible guy to girl ratio. It’s really just a festival where you can eat all kinds of sausage like Polish, Italian, and pledge masters. Make sure to come with some girls to the festival to help the ratio though, so you don’t have to say to your bro, “Bruh, there are no girls to smash here.” Also, make sure to watch the famous Saturday Night Live skit “Da Bears” and practice your Mike Ditka impersonation, when he says, “Polish Sausage”.
When: July 31 – August 2
Where: Grant Park
How much: Selling 3-day passes, message us for details
How to Not Look Like a College Student: This might be hardest festival to not look like a college student at. It’s the epicenter for drugs, alcohol and sometimes music. Unless your head is a garden, a flower headband would be something you wouldn’t want to wear. Also, this isn’t a frat party, so don’t go up on stage when Sam Smith is performing and take the aux cord and plug in your phone to play your 100-song Spotify playlist. Another smart thing to do is whatever band you see whether it’s Paul McCartney or some high school band make sure to say “Their old stuff is so much better” to whoever you are standing next to. This will make you seem superior to them because you were there with them before they made it big (even though you’ve never before heard of Paul McCartney).
Take this advice seriously because you don’t want to be a lonely person with some random Greek letters on your clothes who doesn’t know who Paul McCartney is. Go out and enjoy the festivals this summer and checkout the other festivals we didn’t mention here.