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Booze Review: 99 Bananas


Some people hate bananas. Some people hate vodka. Some people can’t handle a night that asks them to go harder than a casual Wine Wednesday. This week’s booze review is not for those types of people (or for the faint of heart for that matter). This week, we reviewed a drink so proud of its high alcohol content, they named their company after if: 99 Bananas.


Grade: C+


Smells Like:
The room after Brazilian banana farm worker just banged the plantation owner’s daughter in what they thought was a secret moment of passion but left a stank like none other.


Tastes Like:
Biting into a banana that’s been cursed by the Aztec gods to be mercilessly sweet at first but packs a finishing punch like a Conor McGregor against Chad Mendes.


Typical Drinkers:
Those kids you knew in high school who strictly smoked e-cigs they bought at the gas station and wore t-shirts for bands you never heard of but when you asked about the band they’d respond, “You wouldn’t like them anyway.”


User Comments:
After passing the bottle around amongst ourselves, we came to the conclusion that drinking the 99 was like drinking a strawberry and banana smoothie but without the strawberry and with rubbing alcohol mixed in.


You’ll Like This If You Like:
Fruity tasting drinks. If you are the type of person who prefers liqueurs to liquors, this is for you. The smell was our 1st indicator that the taste would be overpowering, and the schnapps didn’t disappoint.


Common Food Pairing:
While it may go against social standards to combine alcohol and ice cream, we believe the perfect pairing with 99 Bananas would be with a banana split. Simply pouring it over the ice cream concoction would result in a delicious glaze.


We Mixed It With:
Nothing. Yea, you read that right. No, we aren’t that savage. This stuff was so sweet that we didn’t even need to pair it with anything to keep it down. A smoothie from Freshens would’ve been nice but since we’re here ballin’ on a budget, we drank this shit straight and loved every second of it.


While $20 was a bit much to ask for a questionable 750 mL, the bottle itself was not bad. Most of us enjoyed pre-gaming for Ted’s trivia with it and while we may have gotten every single question wrong, at least we were by fat the drunkest people at the bar.


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