Connect with us
Connect with us


Booze Review: Cook’s Brut Champagne


Are you looking to celebrate even though your greatest accomplishment this year has been going to half of your 8 a.m.s? Then Cook’s Brut Champagne is for you, because your sorry ass certainly doesn’t deserve Dom Perignon. Let’s get it poppin’!

Grade: D

Smells Like:

Overwhelming success topped with a light, airy aroma.

Tastes Like:

Utter failure mixed with horrific disappointment and overall bad feelings.

Typical Drinkers:

– “Rappers” from your high school who promote their music on SoundCloud.

– College graduates overencumbered with crippling student debt.

– Every underage teenager celebrating New Year’s Eve in their parents’ basement.

– People who aren’t afraid of losing an eye to a cork.

– Men trying to impress girls way out of their league.

User Comments:

– “Fire in the hole!”

– “WOOOO I won the World Series! I’m going to Disneyland!”

– “Does Frenching this bottle count as a New Year’s kiss? Shut up, I’m not crying…it’s just allergies.”

– “Call me Champagne Papi.”

– “If I sneezed and this came out of my nose, would it feel good or..?”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Andre’s California Champagne. That extra dollar you’re spending on Cook’s puts you a few rungs higher on the social ladder. You’ll be vacationing in the Hamptons in no time, baby.

Gatsby Would…:

Actually, he’d probably demand you give it to him, even the bad stuff is good stuff during Prohibition.

What Level Stripper Does This Best Pair With?:

Dirty-strip-club-but-less-dirty-than-the-REALLY-dirty-strip-club-next-to-the-truckstop stripper.

What Your Date to the New Year’s Party Would Say If You Told Them You Drank This:

“Can you please stop pointing that bottle at me? You and I both know you have a history of ‘popping’ prematurely, if you know what I mean. Ouch, God dammit Brad you hit me right in the shoulder!”

We Mixed it With:

Orange juice to make a Mimosa. You’re not doing brunch right if you’re not hammered before noon.

Continue Reading

More from Booze

To Top