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Booze Review: Green Apple Taaka Vodka

After freshman year, no one’s going to be impressed by the Burnett’s that you buy for your pregames. So why not switch it up and get yourself some Green Apple Taaka Vodka on your next booze run? It’s not really any better, but a handle of it is cheaper by about $4; that’s a full meal from the McDonald’s Dollar Menu! Plus the bottle looks neat so you can showcase a collection of them at your place to show your friends how sad of a person you really are.

Grade: D

Smells Like:
Johnny Appleseed was watering his trees with disgusting vodka.

Tastes Like:
Those sad-looking, bruised apples at the bottom of the fruit bowl that your dumb ass decided to take a bite out of.

Typical Drinkers:

– College students who still don’t have jobs lined up for the summer. You should get on that.

– People who consistently have a negative balance on their debit card.

– Those who think the mantra “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” can be applied to liquor.

– Courteous folks who want their vomit to have a “nice” apple scent to it.

User Comments:

– “Look kids, you’ve got your own apple juice. This is daddy’s apple juice.”

– “I could use a little more fiber in my diet, so maybe I’ll get some of that Green Apple Taaka. Yeah, that’ll do the trick.”

– “Is this stuff to Russians what apple pie is to Americans?”

– “I can’t even look at an apple without being reminded of ‘The Taaka Incident’ from freshman year.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
Burnett’s. C’mon, did you not read the intro?

What Was “The Taaka Incident”?:
We’re not at privilege to disclose that information, but it involved a cinderblock and breast pumps.

Why Haven’t I Landed a Job Yet?:
Well, if you put half as much effort into building your resume as you do into drinking, you’d probably be the CEO of Google by now.

We Chased it With:
A shot of melted caramel for a delicious and not-so-nutritious treat.

Hey dummy, listen to our podcast!

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