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Booze Review: Ketel One Vodka


Gammy knows she’s kickin’ the bucket soon, so she hooked us up with an extra $50 this Christmas. We, in turn, spent it on some good vodka—not the cheap kind that’ll put us 6 feet under next to her.



Grade: A


Tastes Like:

Vodka’s a neutral spirit, kind of like how you tried to be at the Christmas table over the holidays. Then, the Trump talk started and you yelled so loud you peed your pants. Unlike you, it doesn’t fail—so it just kinda tastes boozy.


Smells Like:

The burning. Oh my, the burning.


Looks Like:

Water—perfect for some syllabus week shenanigans. Good think you have all these Sprite bottles laying around, huh?


Typical Drinkers:

College kids with 2015 BMWs, old people with their own cash, and anyone who doesn’t really know how to work  budget.


What Does “Ketel” mean in American?:

Dunno, we only speak American, not French. The world’s a mystery.


User Comments:

“Great taste, less filling. Wait—I think that’s some cheap beer, but this fits the bill.”

“Could I bring this to a chardonnay party? What if it’s a party with boxed chardonnay?”

“Best first day of class ever—got kicked out for accusing someone of racism, and made some dude cry. Thanks Ketel!”


What Our Dying Grandma Would Say if She Saw Us Drinking It:

“I was hoping you’d invest that money into something you’ll remember me by, young man. Instead, this. Did you know when I was your age a bottle of vodka was communist—we drank moonshine, it cost  a nickel and one outta’ four a’ ya would go blind.”


Could You Drink It While Wearing A Hat?:

We suppose, but you better also rock a monocle. A mustache, too.


We Paired It With:

The best first day back in class one could imagine.


Is it Better Than Grey Goose?:

What? Who cares? Sure, why not?


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