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Booze Review: Tito’s Handmade Vodka

Are you getting tired of chugging that bottle of Blue Raspberry Burnett’s alone in your dorm room but can’t justify paying the price associated with Grey Goose? Well good news (not about the alone part, you should probably get a hobby) – Tito’s is your happy medium. Toting itself as handmade vodka, we can only assume this was made by someone who doesn’t wash their hands after going to the restroom. But, it’s still one of the better things to come out of the state of Texas.

Grade: B –

Smells Like:

Barely anything, which is why coupled with its clear liquid, vodka has always been a crowd favorite for stowing in water bottles.

Tastes Like:

Love is not one of the main ingredients that Tito used in making this drink.

Typical Drinkers:

– People with no taste buds, or wish they didn’t have any at least.

– Russians vacationing in the U.S.

– Those who are gullible enough to think that handmade equates to higher quality.

– Ballers on a budget.

– People who go by the five-minute rule instead of the five-second rule.

User Comments:

– “That’ll do, Tito’s…that’ll do.”

– “How ironic would it be for me to sneak some of this into my Drug Use and Abuse lecture?”

– “This is the laziest bottle design I’ve ever seen. Did they get an intern to do this in MS Paint?”

– “I got so wasted on Tito’s last night that I started actually believing that everything was going ok in the world.”


Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Water. Fun fact, the last symbol in H2O is a zero, representing the alcoholic content of the drink.


Does Everyone Who Works for this Company Have to be Named Tito?:

Yes, but for the sake of complying with Equal Opportunity Employment laws they will also hire women named Tia.


Is Trump Going to Ban the Drink for Having a Mexican Name?:

Hopefully not, because banning any alcoholic drink is exactly how not to “Make America Great Again.” Unless you think it was great during the Prohibition era, which it most certainly wasn’t.


What Your Uncle Tito Would Say If You Gave Him a Bottle of This:

“Wow, uh…thanks kid. I’ll put this right next to my hundred other bottles of Tito’s that I’ve gotten in the past. I think I ought to change my name. How does Uncle Henny sound?”


We Mixed it With:

Some fruit juice and peach schnapps to make a Sex on the Beach, because we have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old.


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