Welcome to the happiest place on Earth! Bye Disney World! UConn’s Summer Drunk Camp of dreams is re-opening this summer. Since being shut down back in ’86 for aggressive and widespread public nudity, this summer-long darty is back. Available to UConn students who’ve already gotten sick of bitching about being bored to their family, the camp is meant to bring students together in the off-season. The Black Sheep stopped by to meet with the camp’s founding alumni, Jim Class and Barry Berry to see what the greatest shit show east of the Mississippi is all about.
“So, why should students make their way back to good ol’ Storrs during the summer? What’s the draw?” we asked, dodging empty beer cans on the ground of an apartment displaying an impressive variety of cutouts from 30 racks lining the walls.
Class and Berry are definitely not still bitter about their rejection from the School of Business, sophomore year. No no, why would they live in Celeron five years post-grad either? That would be ridiculous. Fortunately enough for the students of today, these two idiots are advocating for the one thing they are passionate about: prolonging the time until the office chair of doom drags them under, and instead advocating for the Peter Pans of UConn who want to stay drunk forever.
“Why shouldn’t there be a third semester?’” Jim and Barry told The Black Sheep. “We want students to experience the fun they had on the weekends during the year, minus the stress of choosing between drinking, or failing chemistry. ” While Jim and Barry’s morals may be misaligned, their intentions seemed good enough.
“What’s UConn without a cold drink, some explicit activity and regrettable decisions? Internships are where dreams go to die. Do you think you could streak across the office in broad daylight screaming ‘We Are the Champions’? Who wants to be the office bitch making fun out of spitting in the boss’s coffee? That’s what I thought.”
“The suburbs of whatever east bumblefuck town kids live in offers nothing more than playing video games in their parents’ basement, and begging your ex via text to pity-fuck because you’re bored.” Berry makes another valid point. UConn’s Summer Drunk Camp entails enriching activities such as bar crawls (back and forth between Huskies and Ted’s) and beer pong tournaments that last for days.
For the world-class Nicklers, Huskies’ trainings stations are available to perform back-to-back power hours using replicas of the real-life Nickel cups. We interviewed Anita Drink, who is eager to be a camper this year, “The scene is looking to be just ratchet as Nickel, excluding the fear of not being able to see the ugly guy/girl’s face you made out with because, daylight.” With this much training, we have faith Anita will make it out of Nickel alive, come fall.
The famous Horse Barn Hill has also been developed into a large obstacle course complete with a 100 foot long Slip ‘n Slide which is the final stretch in the Beer Olympics’ events. Finally the hill can be put to use for something other than an artsy Instagram.
UConn, you deserve so much more than this.
“Face it, if you’re not even making money in the summer, anywhere is better than your couch. Even your grandma’s couch is better than your couch. But why hang out with your grandma when you can just be more krunk on Fairfield Way than after the National Championship?” Jim proudly added. Berry appeared to have gone missing since the interview began, but returned painted head to toe in blue and white chanting, “UCONN. HUSKIES. UCONN. HUSKIES. HUSKIES. UCONN. WOOF!” Their chances in the real world following this summer are questionable at best, but at least they’ll have killed it at UConn’s Summer Drunk Camp of Dreams.