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Booze

We Drank a Bunch of Dirty Tequila, Here’s What We Thought

Grade: B-

Smells Like:
Fireball went on a Tinder date with a pina colada at Chili’s and it turned out to be just as awkward as it sounds. But also, butter?

Tastes Like:
A Kylie Jenner Lip Kit. Mostly because after you take a sip your lips are tingly, you’re wondering who you’ll be able to impress, and why you paid so much for it.

Typical Drinkers:

– Flamboyant cowboys.

– Regular cowboys.

– Host of Figure It Out, Summer Sanders.

– Shirley Temple’s ghost.

– A grandmother looking to check off things on her bucket list.

User Comments:
– “I don’t typically drink Listerine, but tonight seems different.”
– “I think this would have the same effect as aloe vera.”
– “I don’t like drinking this knowing that it could have been SpongeBob’s house they used to flavor it. But you know what, I like it.”
– “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”
– “It makes me warm in my belly.”

You’ll Like This If:
You’re a big fan of a funky Christmas ham with pineapple. All the ingredients are there, just add the tequila and it’ll be just as fun as your Great Aunt Marge after one too many Old Fashioneds.

Best Described as an Alcohol Superior To:
Any tequila that doesn’t immediately make you want to spit it back out.

The Perfect Outfit to Wear While Drinking This:
A baby blue Juicy Couture track suit that spells “bby girl” in rhinestones on the butt.

What Kind of Dog Would Be Caught Drinking This with Their Kibble?:
A dachshund who likes to party, but only on Sunday afternoons.

What Christopher Walken Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This:
He wouldn’t say anything to you. He would just press his fingers tips together, look at you sternly, and nod.

What Event Would Be Best to Serve This At?:
A drag queen named Cinnamon’s wake.

Mix it With:
Pineapple juice, Cherry 7-Up, Enya, and a bubble bath.

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