Christmas carols are playing, you still have the cold you got from your cousin over Thanksgiving, and you are very ready to go home and binge watch every season of Dexter over break. But first, finals! Luckily, we have a few study tips to get you through this last week of hell.
5.) Try to cry only three times a day:
We know it’s hard, but excessive sobbing can lead to dehydration, which leads to drinking more water, which leads to almost pissing yourself during an exam. Perhaps try internalizing your negative thoughts so that you begin to hate yourself and start having serious mental health issues. Remember, the Counseling Center is free as long as you go to school here, but you lose that option if you flunk out.
4.) Download a concentration app:
Forest is one we’ve dabbled with downloading, ironically getting distracted in all the different kinds of anti-distraction apps. Be sure to block ALL the ways you procrastinate. This includes PornHub. Watching that blonde “pay” the pizza delivery guy won’t make it easier to concentrate, it will just make you tired. Sorry if the truth hurts.
3.) Do not, under any circumstances, drink more than one extra cup of coffee a day:
More coffee than you’re used to can lead to an unexpected, urgent need for a toilet. If you’ve already ignored this advice, find some good places to drop a foul one here.
1.) Give yourself gentle reminders:
Get out some sticky notes and write “You’re killing yourself over a piece of paper just so you work yourself to death in a 9-5 job a few years from now so why bother?” in your best handwriting. Be sure to use a ballpoint pen with gentle, blue ink. Stick it somewhere you will be able to see it often. If that’s too long for your sticky notes, a pleasant “no one will care when you’re dead” ought to do the trick.
Hopefully, these five tips will help you pass your finals so that you can go home for those cherished family dinners with your racist grandmother and alcoholic uncle. If you still find yourself struggling academically, then may we suggest spending less time reading satire articles on the internet and more time doing your actual work? But that won’t happen, as there’s absolutely no way these arbitrary tips you found on the internet written by the staff of a comedy website whose sole qualification is being mildly snarky won’t help change your D to an A. We’ve got your back bro.