The Black Sheep received the following email from a Pitt freshman who only identified himself as ‘Freddy Blackout’. Freddy claims to be an expert on the process of Fraternity Rush, and wanted us to publish his tips for your benefit. Enjoy.
My name’s Freddy, but you can call me Blackout. Yeah, I’m from outside Philly, just like the rest of you pussies. Reading, PA, born and raised.
Rush week is here, which means only one thing. Time for me to find my frat. I’ve basically been a frat boy since I was a frosh in high school, so it’s gonna be mad easy for me to get a bid. I’ve seen all the movies and I always watch MTV Spring Break. I know what to do, how to act, and how to dress. I’m pretty much a frat expert. People say you get with more chicks in college, but since I’ve been at Pitt I haven’t gotten as much as I did in high school. Which was a lot. Ask anyone from my school. I’ll probably be doing the other frat bros a favor by joining their frat. Might even teach them a thing or two about getting chicks and drinking beers. We used to rage pretty hard back in high school.
Still, even a top tier prospect like me needs to hedge his bets. When I googled ‘frat bro’ they had a whole different look than mine. So as cool as the lanyard was, it had to go. That’s why I went out and updated my wardrobe. Button downs on button downs on button downs? Check. Pastel shorts every color you could imagine? Got that too. More bow ties than I know what to do with? You betcha. I just hope I didn’t max out mom and dad’s credit card. Sorry not sorry.
I rolled up to a rush party this past weekend looking frat as fuck. Brand new Polo button down, blazer, pastel shorts, and untied bow tie. Untied because that’s just how I do. And I don’t know how to tie one. The bros at the door were all asking me who I knew. I was like, “Bro, who do you know?” Turns out they knew the guys that lived there, the landlord, and several Pitt Police. It’s ok though, I still got turnt in my towers dorm room.
I did make it into this one rush party, before I fratted up my wardrobe. Paid my five, walked in the door, and shouted “what up, I got a big cock!” The girls must not have understood the reference, because back in high school that line killed. I proceeded to outdrink, like, the entire frat. Bros were like “you need to slow down,” and “don’t puke in our house.” The only thing that would’ve made me puke was their pathetic excuse for a pong table. Besides, I made it in the toilet, that night at least.
So I know I’m already practically in a frat, it’s only a matter of time, but I want to give some tips to those guys out there who might not be #winning rush as hard as I am. Definitely bring up all your high school athletic accomplishments. The bros are gonna want to hear repeatedly about that one time you got playing time as a freshman on the LAX team. Tell them about all the high school strange you got. Trust me, I let my future frat bros know all about the chick I made out with after chugging wine coolers at the homecoming dance. A few of them were concerned I slipper her something, but most of them ate it up! Automatic bid.
Hope you were taking notes, because once I sign my bid I’m not talking to any god damned independents ever again. I’ll be blacking out with my frat bros and slamming so many sorostitutes it won’t even be funny. So basically my life will stay the same. See you fuckers on the other side.