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Guide to a Valentine’s Day Pub Crawl

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, don’t fret, because there’s great news. This year, V-Day falls on a Saturday. This is magical because A) You don’t have to worry about class and B) You can start drinking whenever the hell you want on a Saturday. But instead of drinking by yourself with that cheap bottle from Squire’s and binge watching Netflix, go out and celebrate being free from the chains of a relationship.


Start your night out on The Strip. OCI is always the go-to. Sad about being single? Go to OCI. Sad about being in a relationship? OCI. Bad test grade? OCI. Just got hit by a car? OCI. Obviously you can’t go wrong at OCI, which is why it’s imperative you go there first. Get a few of those Big Gulp beers and look around. Chances are, there are plenty of sad, desperate, single girls with daddy issues who would love your (or anyone’s) attention on Valentine’s Day. Don’t fall in love tonight though… you need to steer clear of these girls; they’re a mess you don’t want to try to clean up. Besides, this is just the first stop on your V-Day pub crawl.


Next on the voyage is Hanna’s on the Strip. It’s conveniently right beside OCI, so all you have to do is walk 50 feet without falling. When you’ve done that (hey, good for you), celebrate with a drink. Beer’s fun, but liquor is where the real fun happens. When ordering, ask for the strongest, cheapest drink they have. Then order four because you can do whatever the hell you want; you don’t have a significant other to bitch at you about day-drinking. That won’t always be the case, so take full advantage of it while you can. Once that liquor starts flowing, you’ll feel as positive as all those couples do when the pregnancy test shows that beautiful negative sign.


After you’re feeling, let’s say, “loose,” call an Uber ride. It’s time to go to Market Square. And don’t forget to take note that no one could be more miserable than an Uber driver on Valentine’s Day on a college campus. There are too many bars to choose from in Market Square to single out just one, so go to all of them – a little “around the world,” per se. Get a different kind of liquor at each bar; forget about mixing your dark liquors with your light liquors – that’s just a myth that lightweights tell to justify their projectile vomiting.


After all of this, you’re trashed – but still probably eligible to drive a T bus on campus. Stumble your way into an Uber ride and drunkenly pour your heart out to him/her about being single on this wretched day, taking time to puke out the window every couple of minutes as you go along.


The last stop on this pub crawl is Fort Sanders Yacht Club. It’s a low-key bar that won’t be full of smooching lovers everywhere you look. It’s time for one final drink: Jack n’ Coke. After that, leave the bar immediately because there’s no way in hell that you’re not gonna puke your brains out after pumping yourself so full of alcohol all day. Get back home and pass out, your day is finally over.


And when you wake up, you’ll feel worse than you’ve ever felt before and you’ll be eager to just get back to feeling normal. The juxtaposition of how awful you feel now to how awesome you felt 12 hours ago will help you come to the realization… being single on Valentine’s Day is the shit.

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