GVSU’s Allendale campus, for being wedged between cornfields, has a surprising number of delivery options to offer lazy and drunk students. The question then becomes: where to order the best greasy/cheesy/salty/ranch-drowned food when you’re just too drunk to pretend you’re still “eating healthy this semester.” Luckily for you, we’ve decided to review a few of the restaurants that deliver to the campus and surrounding student housing to make your lives easier. You’re welcome.
We judged each restaurant based upon the following categories:
- Hours (Because sometimes you need chicken strips at 3 a.m.)
- Delivery time (Ever passed out before your food arrived? Sucks.)
- Cost (We’re broke, too.)
- Taste (Obviously.)
- Ranch (It’s a drunk food staple and it’s very important.)
- Hotness of the delivery guy (or girl, as it turned out…)
Each of these factors were ranked on a scale of 0–10, the overall score for each restaurant was derived by averaging these scores. Let’s get started!
Food: Pizza bites = pizza dough baked in little squares with some kind of magical spices.
Hours: Open until 2 a.m. every night of the week, which is great when you’re drunk on a Monday. 8/10
Delivery time: 15-ish minutes. 7.5/10
Cost: $8.88 for a shit ton. 7/10
Taste: “F*cking delicious.” / “The only thing worth staying in the ‘dale for.” 9/10
Ranch: “Ranch-to-pizza bite ratio is perfect.” 9/10
Delivery person: Really didn’t want his picture taken. JUST LET US PUT YOU ON THE INTERNET! 5/10
Overall score: Pretty dang good, but has room for improvement. 9.1/10
Restaurant 2: Jimmy John’s
Food: #4 Turkey Tom = turkey, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on white
Note: A loaf of day-old bread is tastier than your loaf of Meijer wheat, and dry enough to soak up the alcohol in your system. Nice.
Hours: Open until midnight Sunday–Wednesday, 2 a.m. Thursday–Saturday. So Thirstee Thursdayy is covered! 7/10
Delivery time: 10 minutes. Not sure that’s freakish, but… 9/10
Cost: $7 for the sandwich, $1 for the bread. 7.5/10
Taste: “Good.” / “I love day-old.” / “Mayo is on point.” 7/10
Ranch: Just mayo. At least mayo is a fundamental ingredient in ranch, right? RIGHT? 2/10
Delivery person: We hadn’t previously considered that the deliverer might be female. Yay for stereotyping! 6.5/10
Overall score: Jimmy John’s was sadly lacking in some of the main categories. 6.67/10
Restaurant 3: Papa John’s
Food: Garlic Parmesan Breadsticks with Garlic Butter Dipping Sauce
Hours: Sunday until midnight, Monday–Wednesday until 1 a.m., Thursday–Saturday until 2 a.m.; so basically the only place on campus open at night. 8/10
Delivery time: 1 hour 10 minutes….They’re literally across the street. 2 /10
Cost: $10.06 OR Debit Dollars (get that freshman you adopted to buy them for you). 6/10
Taste: “Grease bomb.” / “Soft and fluffy.” / “The sauce is good.” 4/10
Ranch: No Ranch, but garlic butter is delicious. 4/10
Delivery person: Papa John’s tried to bribe us for a good review by agreeing to be photographed, but we’re ethical journalists! 6/10
Overall score: Good, but why did it take over an hour? We’re drunk now! 5/10
Restaurant 4: Menna’s Joint
Food: CT Dub = a huge wrap stuffed with two chicken tenders, cheddar, mozzarella, lettuce, tomato, and ranch.
Hours: Open until midnight Sunday–Wednesday, 2 a.m. Thursday–Saturday, soooo same as JJ’s. 7/10
Delivery time: 40 minutes. Once again, Menna’s is like a block away at 48 West! 3/10
Cost: $8.66. Not too bad. 7/10
Taste: “Fried food + cheese + ranch = golden formula for drunk food.” 9/10
Ranch: Pretty good, wish they had put more on the dub. 8/10
Delivery person: He wouldn’t let us take a picture; a shame, really, because he was moderately good-looking. What, like we’re gonna tell that you smoke on the job? 7/10
Overall score: Congrats, you’re average! 6.83/10
Hopefully you start taking the time to consider each of these listed items to see where to eat, Or you could just eat at Fresh.
*Note: Drunk photography is hard.