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How to: Procrastinate the CU Boulder Way

 

Since the dawn of college, procrastination has been a form of art honed into perfection, occasionally, when we felt like there was some free time. But now that hard working people have created the Internet, procrastination has become a difficult road indeed. With new distractions just a click away, and old distractions still surrounding you, it can be hard to find the right way to procrastinate. Luckily, The Black Sheep has procrastinated some time away from schoolwork to come up with a list of the 10 best ways to embrace procrastination.

 

10.) Go to the library, and focus all of that Adderall super attention towards Buzzfeed and Facebook:
Being in a library feels productive, especially when you are grinding your teeth, high on Adderall. But then you open your Facebook page, and 8 hours later find that this miracle drug has really just helped you make scientific discoveries interpreting the languages of whales on YouTube. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with your major.

 

9.) Make cleaning your room the top priority in your life:
Obviously, no studying can be done in a messy room. Before cracking a book, the floor needs to be shampooed and vacuumed, windows freshly windexed, desk covered with a fresh coat of varnish, and clean every surface down to the blades of your ceiling fan.

 

8.) Go out and buy that huge meal you deserve (because you did study for 20 minutes):
It can be really hard to focus on an empty stomach. The mind will start to wander towards the wonderful smells of restaurants on the hill. Obviously you’ve studied a lot by this point. Treat yourself to the small study break, and three-course meal you deserve.

 

7.) Cook all of next week’s meals (because you spent way to much time trying to find where to eat):
So that fancy huge meal on the Hill took up a little more time than a small study break? Time to get rid of any distractions that might come from food. By investing a little time at the grocery store, then a little minute cooking food for a week, eating a little, and putting the rest away, you will save a ton of time in the long run.

 

6.) Smoke a bunch of weed, fall asleep, and study in the morning:
Maybe the problem is that you just aren’t a night time studier? No problem. Just smoke a little bit of weed, Netflix, and Chill. Get a good night sleep for some serious studying in the morning.

 

5.) Call mom, and then other relatives who you haven’t talked with in a while:
Family is obviously more important than school (who do you think is paying for tuition?). Maybe it’s time to call and see what is happening within the family. Who knows? Maybe some estranged family member has died, and you have a good excuse to push the deadline back.

 

4.) Change location:
Sometimes it’s hard to study in the library. Somebody took your favorite spot, and focusing has become impossible. Time to check out a new coffee shop, or head home to start cleaning.

 

3.) Get your nails done:
All of this studying has made you look like a mess, and it’s time to focus on yourself for a little TLC. If you’re a girl, you may have chewed through or chipped off most of that nice color that accents your fingers. If you’re a guy, it might be time to see what some polish would look like.

 

2.) Do some online shopping:
After all of this studying finally gets done, you are going to need a little reward. Spending a little bit of time to find the things you need will give you a goal, and make studying seem more important.

 

1.) Give up, because the test is actually a week earlier than you thought:
The deadline is tomorrow, and you haven’t even started yet. Perhaps this is time to use that philosophy class, and existentially decide that you don’t need to conform to somebody else’s “test” to be happy. Might as well embrace the failure, and throw a procrastination party! Not only will this create unforgettable new memories, but you can blame that failing grade on being too popular.

 

Don’t waste the rest of your college career being worried about a deadline. Procrastinate. It’s good for you.

 

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