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Insanely Delicious Illini Drinks

Classes are now in full swing and that means only one thing! No, not studying! Where do you think you are, community college? It’s booze! Delicious, delicious booze! Here are some drinks that are sure to get you properly liquored up:


Sorority Screamer: This one is sure to knock your socks off and rattle your teeth. Take 1/4 Smirnoff Raspberry vodka, 1/4 tequila and 1/2 cup tears of a girl who was denied her top choice sorority. Don’t worry, in the next few weeks this drink is gonna be insanely popular, because let’s face it, who doesn’t like to drink the tears of an entitled girl who was just told no for the first time in her life? There are sure to be plenty of them once rush is over. 


The McWhiskey: Everyone loves McDonald’s chicken nuggets and everyone loves whiskey. Seriously, it’s like a match made in heaven given the new Mickey D’s we have on campus. The one thing on Earth that can make a chicken nugget tastier is honey mustard. This recipe was designed to bring your taste buds alive: Take as many of those tasty-ass nuggets as you want and set them aside, pour yourself a nice tall glass of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey Whiskey and add two tablespoons of honey mustard and stir. Pick up those nuggets and dunk them in. Feel the freedom on your taste buds!


Chicago: We all hold Champaign dear in our hearts, but seeing as some of us are probably here because of gut-wrenching rejection letters from northern prim-and-propers like Northwestern and U of Chicago, it’s safe to say the Windy City has a cold place in our hearts. So let’s celebrate the true capital of Illinois, Chicago! You need one pint of Guinness and a slice of Gino’s East deep dish pizza (or Giordano’s, or Lou Malnati’s… hell, toss a behemoth slice from Papa Del’s in there if you want). If you can finish both in under five minutes, you’re a true Chicagoan. Fun twist: Try it with a Maxwell Street Polish dog!


The Lady Killer: This one is sure to woo all the ladies when you’re on the prowl at Red Lion on a Tuesday night. Every woman has a sweet tooth, and this drink will sure to hit that spot. Take 1/2 cup Smirnoff Kissed Caramel vodka, add a scoop of caramel vanilla ice cream and top it off with Smirnoff Whipped Cream vodka. Don’t forget to warn them that it does have a lot of liquor, but let’s be honest with ourselves, no girl is going to turn down booze and ice cream. Bonus points if you can sneak in that carton of Edy’s without raising a few eyebrows. 


Macho Meathead: Since we did a drink for the ladies, this one is going out to all the roid-ragers at the ARC. Take a bottle of Jägermeister and chug as much as you can in 25 seconds. Take off your shirt to show everyone how you can make Adam Sandler’s face with your abs. Don’t forget to make him wink!


It’s true that many of these drinks lack the technicality that merits a bartending license. Sure, maybe these are a collective far cry from mixing up your run-of-the-mill cosmo, but on a college budget, are you really going to argue with us? Get mixin’, fellow inebriated Illini.

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