Since nearly the beginning of second semester, the residents of BloNo have been living in a frozen hellscape. Everyone knows the only good thing about winter is Christmas. Other than that, it’s a season full of dry skin, an obnoxious amount of layers, and, if you have to walk in and out of Watty, windburn. But one student made the weather worth her while.
Senior Sandra Jenkins has always hated the cold. “It’s 3-4 months of pure, frosty bullshit,” Jenkins later told The Black Sheep. So, on one especially freezing morning, she decided enough was enough.
“It was around 4:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning and for some ungodly reason I was awake. I was just lying in bed, and suddenly I felt this really strong urge to go skating. So I thought, ‘Why pay money to go to a skating rink when I could totally do this shit myself?’ Did I think it was a good idea at the time? Hell yeah! Was I also still drunk at the time? Absolutely.”
Jenkins bundled up and headed to the place that made the most sense to her; the entire quad. “Well, drunk me thought that everyone would think it would be really fun to skate to class and stuff. I didn’t really think my shenanigans through. Like, at all,” she told us in an interview.
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Once she got to campus, she realized that she had no idea how to go about her DIY project. She walked around searching for a fire hydrant and eventually ended up at Hovey Hall.
“That’s when everything came together. The construction they’re doing to the front of the building left a bunch of pipes exposed and it was like a gift from God.”
She kicked at the pipes for half an hour until two of them finally burst open. Jenkins was overjoyed, but knew to make her plan work she would need to find a way to get the water across the entire quad. Using metal sheets that she found by the construction site, she managed to stretch lines and lines of pathways for the water.
“The water was spilling out so quickly. I managed to make sure it got all over the sidewalks because I knew they would freeze first. It was so beautiful. I think I cried,” she recalls.
It was so cold that the water froze almost instantly. The quad/ice rink was now glistening with potential *injuries*. The university started receiving phone calls from staff members around 7 a.m. As one janitor put it, “Shit was slip slidey as hell.”
The university tried to take action and salt the quad before students started arriving for classes. President Dietz said, “Well, we put our best men on the case, but they mostly just ended up sliding around and falling for 20 minutes so they gave up. We tried our very best.”
Students started arriving on campus soon after and that’s when the string of injuries began. “I got to the quad and was all like ‘What the hell, man?’ and then I saw someone fall and break their ass. Like, they literally had to go to the hospital for a broken ass,” he said as he laughed hysterically.
Over the course of an hour, 20 more students succumbed to quad rink injuries. After more emails and complaints from students and faculty, a class cancellation notice was finally sent out and ended with, “We tried our best, don’t sue us! Love, Dietzy.”
“If I could go back I would do it all again,” Jenkins decides, “I know people got hurt and that sucks, but I had fun and that’s the most important thing.”
The university is currently dealing with five lawsuits, all of which Dietz has decided to fight personally.