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ISU Student Wears “Kiss Me I’m Irish” Shirt in Attempt to Get Laid

 

 

Carl Paul, an ISU junior and guy who wants to get laid, devised a remarkable scheme to score some tail this St. Patrick’s Day: he wore a T-shirt which said, “Kiss Me I’m Irish.” With St. Patrick’s Day being a popular but brief mating season in Irish culture, Carl thought it would be wise to use this holiday as an opportunity to pursue his own sexual conquests. 

 

“I was at the mall looking for a shirt for St. Paddy’s day that wasn’t just green, ‘cuz I always like to stand out from the crowd,” said Carl–still wearing his shirt. “That’s when I saw a shirt with the words ‘Kiss Me I’m Irish’ on it. I thought that’d be the perfect way to get some ass: it shows that I’m interested, but it doesn’t come across too strongly.” 

 

“And you know, the funny thing is, I’m not even Irish!” Carl later confessed. “I’m not even sure what I am. I think I’m part French, part Italian maybe? Actually, I might have a little Irish in me. There’s a chance I wasn’t even lying.” 

 

Carl wore his “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirt to classes on St. Patrick’s Day, but had little success luring in any ladies. He hung around the Quad for an hour, striking up conversations with every female who passed by. When he asked if they liked his shirt, they responded with a vague “It’s alright,” before mentioning that they should really get going back home to their boyfriends. Despite the minor setbacks, Carl knew his luck would change later in the evening. 

 

That night, Carl went to his friend’s acquaintance’s St. Patrick’s Day party, still clothed in desperation. He went in with full confidence though, at least until he saw another guy wearing the same shirt. Frustrated, Carl asked him what his “fucking deal” was, and made a scene in front of everybody. Disheartened but still determined, Carl decided to try his luck at the party next door. Much to his surprise, he came across a girl dressed up as a sexy leprechaun. He knew that this would be his best shot. 

 

“I hear they’re after your Lucky Charms,” Carl said, starting off strong. 

 

The girl laughed. “Ah, but I’ll never let them take it!” She smiled and twisted her hair in that way where you know something’s about to go down in the nearest bathroom as long as you don’t do anything very, very stupid. Things were looking good for Carl. 

 

With a grin, Carl pointed to his shirt. “So you wanna make out?” The girl looked stunned by his lack of grace, so Carl explained himself. “As you can see, we’re both Irish, so you should kiss me. That’s how it works, right? Kiss me, I’m Irish.” Her smile went away, and she declined his offer. The two proceeded to not have sex with each other. 

 

Carl, not taking note of the error in his ways, looked around for another culture-appropriating non-Irish girl to move in on. He locked eyes with a girl dressed in a shamrock costume, and he made exactly the same mistakes as before. This continued throughout the evening. 

 

Nevertheless, his efforts were not all in vain. According to Carl, he “definitely” ended up getting laid later that night. 

 

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