No one said it would be easy to choose between your two best friends on a Friday night. That’s right, it’s time to make a tough call. Should you go to that house party with Hans Partee or go bar hopping with Bart Hoping? To help you decide, here are a few things to consider:
Hans isn’t going to be around forever. He’s only here this Friday November 7th from 10pm to whenever on S. Bassett St (according to the Facebook invite full of people you haven’t talked to in years). You’d really love to spend time with him while he is in town.
At the same time, Bart has always been there for you, looking out for you, (even when you weren’t 21, but your friend’s brother was the bartender there). Any night you were feeling blue or just wanted to dance, Bart would conveniently be free to chill until 2am. You shouldn’t abandon him in his time of need, just because Hans will be in town.
But remember that one time hanging out with Hans? One of those kids you try to avoid usually got too drunk and tried to slam-dunk during pong and ended up breaking the table. Too hilarious, you almost peed. You’ll get to see some old friends if you hang with Hans. That also means seeing people that you cut ties with on purpose—looking at you, kid from your high school gym class and girl across the hall from you freshman year. There is one sole reason why you tried to get these people out of your life: They were annoying and you hated them. You know as soon as you get tipsy with Hans you are going to be talking to that bitch Sara, and she’ll only have to say “why don’t we ever hangout anymore? Let’s do lunch next week!” NO, SARA. YOU ARE TERRIBLE.
With Bart, all you have to do is get a couple friends together and go. You may run into a couple regulars with Bart, but otherwise it will be all strangers, and you are free to ignore them all. Only until you drink too much of course—then you’ll be making friends left and right. There are just so many more possibilities for meeting people when you’re with Bart. He’s the perfect wingman.
But what about cost efficiency? Let’s get real for a second: Hans is a pretty cheap date. I mean, he only wants like five bucks from you. But alas, there is a catch. He’s only serving a keg of Natty Light. Or sometimes “if you’re lucky,” he’ll try to make you drink acidic Kool-Aid out of a plastic bucket that is normally used for dirty laundry or garbage. Plus, he runs out of beer all the time. You’ll absolutely have to BYOB from home, which means purses and pockets stretched to the max. He’s just not very prepared…or reliable…or sanitary.
On the other hand, did I mention that Bart is a kleptomaniac? Sure, he’s got a wide selection to choose from, and gets lonely in the beginning of the week, so he offers you some great deals. But he also steals money from you all night long. You love the dude like he’s your brother, but he is also going to bleed you dry by the end of the night. DAMN YOU AND YOUR $20 FISHBOWLS, BART.
So, who are you going to choose? Hans, who is only in town for the weekend, but gives you constant reminders of why you left home in the first place and forces you to sober up as the keg dries up? Or Bart, who has been a loyal friend and wingman every Friday night, but has also made you late on rent countless times?
Might we suggest saying “damn it all,” drinking your own beer, and binge watching Netflix for the 87th night in a row? Yeah, just pick this option.