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Local Drug Dealer Offers Internship Opportunity as Personal Assistant

 

Several students recently applied for an internship with what appears to be a drug dealer’s Madison-spanning drug empire. Many students were confused by the listing, but internship director Mary Rosa made it very clear that “If some drug dealer wants to hire an intern, whatever. They can do what they want,” she announced. “As long as you get all the hours in, I’ll give you your one measly credit. Experience is experience, am I right?”

 

The job listing is provided below. If any of you are looking for an internship in sales or public relations, definitely check it out!

 

Sales/PR Internship

Randy Pharmaceuticals


Posted: Feb 11, 2016

DIVISION: N/A                      

SALARY LEVEL: competitive +perks    

POSITION TYPE: Internship with full-time opportunities available

 

DESCRIPTION:

RANDY’S LOOKING FOR A NEW MULE, BITCH

 

Randy Rx was founded four years ago in Sellery 1016. Since then, we been slinging dope like gang-busters. We trade in anything and everything from weed and H, to glue and underground industrial mouthwash. Syrups are a fast growing industry for us as well; we deal in coughs, colds, waffles, anything with viscosity really. Main exports being pot, molly and addy. Only imports being cold-hard-cash. We don’t deal in that tradesies shit. If you accept Percocet as payment for anything (I don’t care how bad your girl’s habit is) I swear you won’t work for me anymore because balloons won’t fit in past the cap in your ass.

 

My enterprise is getting too large for me to handle though. And I can’t handle all this heat by myself. I need to diversify and explore possible scapegoat options.

 

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DUTIES:

  • Measuring and bagging daily pick-ups and drop-offs
  • Updating client base (because I gotta stop selling to Sheila dude, she’s bad news)
  • Recruiting in dorms
  • Event management, you gotta find where the biggest parties are gonna be each day
  • Discovering new non-lethal lace substances
  • Using best judgement when driving to new drop locations
  • Day-to-day inventories of product on hand
  • “Thank You” notes to our distributors
  • Cleaning of the ‘testing area’ (Febreze that shit before my mom comes home)

 

QUALIFICATIONS:

  • Math skills, you better be able to count that shit and count money and read a damn scale
  • No known allergies
  • No past brushes with the law (nothing too serious, 2 or less paraphernalia tickets)
  • Ability to drive fast and maneuver at high speeds
  • Popular, I’m always looking for new clients, and you gotta be in the know
  • Conspicuous capabilities, I don’t deal with imports so that’ll be your thing…
  • Donk—we need maximum capacity y’know? Or at least flexibility
  • Don’t shit where you eat—its product man, not a personal stash
  • Chill af

 

DISQUALIFICATIONS:

  • Losing your cool, like ever
  • Shitting more than twice a day? This ain’t your thing then
  • Aren’t free Wednesday night (I like some bonding time)
  • Don’t know what a Speak ‘n’ Spell is
  • Aren’t up to date on House of Cards. Love that show man, you better be ready to discuss
  • You’re rude to your mother

 

LOCATION:

Around Madison mostly. Some travel will be necessary once you reach mule status (which isn’t as easy as people think)

 

JOB FUNCTION:

Personal Assistant, confidant, and bitch

 

DESIRED MAJORS:

Math, geography, plant science, botany, nutrition science, humanities probably.

 

WORK AUTHORIZATION:

I don’t give a fuck, we only accept cash

 

IMPORTANT DATES

Posted on:

February 11, 2016

 

Applications Accepted Until:

February 20, 2016 – like, I really need someone now, plus I feel shady af leaving this posted too long. Even with my import/export code, people aren’t dumb y’know? Or, at least, most people aren’t dumb.

 

HOW TO APPLY:

Fucking hit me up, I switch burners a lot so you gotta act fast, or just chill inside the dorm lobbies. I should be coming ’round ‘least a few times a week, except Sullivan, I don’t fuck with Sullivan, I ain’t stupid. 

 

You gonna need to present some ID so I know it’s you, and you gotta tell me if you’re a cop when I ask, right? A recommendation letter showing me how many events you’re invited to on fb this week, and a 100 word recap of the season 3 House of Cards finale.

 

Also, maybe bring a resume or something?

 

CONTACT INFORMATION:

fuckyobitch696969@gmail.com

 

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