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Booze Review: Franciscan Estate Napa Valley Merlot

Whether you like it or not, you’re (sort of) a grown-ass adult now, so it’s time to start drinking like one. Put the Franzia down and go ahead and get yourself some Franciscan Estate Napa Valley Merlot. Your mom will be so proud of your cute lil’ snuggle-bunny self.

Grade: A-

Smells Like:

A pleasant concoction of fruits and flowers.


Tastes Like:

A way to get cottonmouth that’s legal in all 50 states.


Typical Drinkers:

– Your sweet mother.

– People who spend a large portion of their disposable income on bath bombs and scented candles.

– Socialites who don’t understand why poor people can’t just stop being poor.

– Anyone who refuses to go to a PTA meeting sober.

– People who own a monocle and fur coat.

User Comments:

– “I’m not getting stupid drunk, I’m doing a wine tasting and it’s classy. Look it up.”

– “The tannin of this wine is divine; quite a nice dry finish for a Merlot.”

– “Ok, maybe I am drinking the pain away. It’s just getting hard to watch Johnny’s soccer team get blown out every week, Nancy.”

– “Is it just me or do these wine bottles keep getting smaller and smaller?”

– “The ladies in the book club are going to love this! And maybe that bitch Trish will finally give us the juicy details on her affair if we keep the wine flowing.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

That shitty wine that you got on clearance at Walgreen’s.


Does Drinking This Make Me a Wine Connoisseur?:

Yes, as long as you’re swirling it and making comments about the wine being “heady.”


I Heard That Wine is Good For You, Is This True?:

They say a glass of wine a day is good for you, so drinking several a day is probably super good for you and definitely won’t have any adverse effects on your health.


We Mixed It With:

A bubble bath followed by several episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County and lots of crying.

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