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New Study Finds That Only 12 Fans in Death Valley Will Remember Game

An independent study done by the South Carolina Department of Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Services (DAODAS) found that in any given Clemson football game only 12 spectators will remember the game and aren’t completely blacked out.


Analytical surveys of the 81,500 max capacity crowd for several Clemson home games were the basis of the data in the report, and the findings proved consistent across the board.


As fans left the stadium last Saturday, they were asked a series of relevant questions pertaining to what took place on the field, ranging from the specific (“How effective was the Tigers’ secondary in coverage on third downs?”) to the plain obvious (“Who won the game?”). 99% of all participants in the survey were unable to provide informative answers, and only 40% of those uninformed participants were able to even give a coherent response.


One spectator, 22-year-old James Wexley of Mount Pleasant, SC, gave a typical answer: “There…was that time that guy caught the ball, and ran with…the ball, I think.” When pressed on who the player was, Wexley wiped his mouth on his sleeve and responded that he was “you know, dreads guy. Uhhh you know, cool dreads guy. He was black…or white…shit, Asian maybe? They can have dreads, right?”


Hannah McDermott of Flemington, NJ gave her own personal take on the football game: “Ohhh my gawd, it was so much funnnn! I love Clemson! Going to school in the south is the BEST!” She continued to say that her favorite part of the game was when “the players grabbed those…uhhh twirling flags or whatever and it was REALLY cool,” apparently unaware that the halftime show was not an actual part of the game. McDermott was unavailable for further comment as she had to go check on her Little puking in the stadium bathroom.


“I tell ya what…I tell ya what, we need to FIRE Dabo Swinney ‘cause this team is TRASH,” remarked 54-year-old Greg Holm of Charlotte, NC, regardless of the fact that Clemson had just won by 39. “Things just ain’t what they used to be, I tell ya what. Back in my day, we won the national CHAMPIONSHIP, ‘cause they didn’t have no girly academic standards for players, and…[incomprehensible]…they just PLAYED the game the way it was ‘sposed to be PLAYED unlike that CRAP out on the field today. I tell ya what, man…1981…best year of my life…”


Out of the 12 spectators that chose not to drink themselves into oblivion only a few hours after they woke up, 2 were recovering alcoholics, 7 were police officers on duty and 3 were small infants who will still have a greater understanding of the game than everyone else. DAODAS noted at the end of their study that the number of completely intoxicated individuals in the stadium could be higher, as they did not take into account the food vendors or mascots.

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