In college, you’re taught many different perspectives: the psychological perspective, the sociological perspective, the woman’s perspective, and plenty more — each bringing a new world view for students’ eyes, shaping their opinions and changing who they are. However there are only two perspectives truly learned while at institutions of higher learning: the Drunk and Sober Perspectives.
Both come with their own set of wants, needs, and instincts. Upon a great deal of observation of both sides, The Black Sheep is here to provide the thoughts and perceptions of both the Drunk and Sober in their natural habitats.
Pitt Football Games
Sober: Your eyes open on a Saturday morning, and you’re already questioning why you printed your ticket. You’re faith in the team is as flimsy as your faith in WIRELESSPITTNET every single night in Hillman. Four minutes into the first quarter you’re expectations of the Panthers are met and you pray the time will pass quickly so you can sing Sweet Caroline and lead the Mass Exodus back to Oakland. You should have just stayed in bed and watch The Walking Dead on Netflix all day.
Drunk: You’re already chanting, “I believe we will win!” while some superlative energy carries you from bed to your seat; you feel the fresh air and the aura of all the inebriated children around while watching 22 dudes in protective exoskeletons hit each other. You’re dancing and singing, and something is happening on the field but you can never been sure. Why? ‘Cause you know being here is an excuse to get drunk at noon on the weekend.
Sober: You perceive what you’re eating as a mixture of Playdough and, for those crunching parts, Legos. You know the decision to cross the threshold of the double doors means hell for your heart and your stomach, but damnit you don’t have enough money for Chipotle or Five Guys, so you have to settle for this.
Drunk: Like the Promised Land in biblical texts you arrive under the Golden Arches with a foamy stomach and a craving for nourishment. The lovely workers take your order with a smile and you cannot help but think, “Why don’t I eat every meal here?” As you leave you feel rejuvenated and ready to find a postgame somewhere, already planning to “totally come back” the second that menu switches back to breakfast.
Sober: Sometimes you stand there for just a little too long, sometimes you get attacked with flyers, and sometimes you run into the person who you hooked up with the night before, and you’re terrified because she said some… weird shit that night. Whatever it is, you put your headphones on and rush through to the Patio, because you just have to get through this gauntlet of awkward encounters worse than the panhandlers on Forbes.
Drunk: You start the night blind, you’ll never make it past Primanti’s. Alas, there is a beautiful place to scope the talent, steal Sorrento’s from someone passed out, and get some addresses. Tower’s Lobby is place to meet, to chill, and get your game plan together for your squad. Then you’re off! Heading to South O for a dope Quidditch party you’re friend’s friend’s floormate knows about.
The Walk to Upper Campus
Sober: With each step, you feel every Hot Pocket, taco, and burger you’ve eaten in the past two days. The sweat pouring off your forehead while glistening from the slight breeze and beauty of the 60 degree-day in Oakland. It’s the worst part of your day and you know that after you reach this summit, you’ll have to come back down for food because the Perch just doesn’t live up to the hype.
Drunk: HELL YES, I AM TRAINING FOR THE PITTSBURGH MARATHON EVEN DRUNK! YES, YES, I AM A FLY ON THE WIND, I AM USAIN BOLT, I AM SPEED, you scream this as you run up the first level because you think it can only end soon. Then you look up and see the next level, Stairs: The Revenge. This is when reality comes rushing back and you realize, Damn, even drunk these stairs suck.
The Basements of North and South Oakland
Sober: You’ve simply refused to venture into the darkness of any basement. The rats and shattered morals littering the concrete floor smelling of dried Lionshead keep you from making it down the third step. You know better, you’re sober.
Drunk: Where the best parties go down. Sweat, spit, and other bodily fluids are thrown from wall to wall on the order of Lil Jon and the proximity of person guarantees you hooking up with someone because no one could even see in front of them anyway.